not all who wander are lost.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Olia Love.

Several years ago I worked in Brooklyn for the most fabulous jewelry designer, Olia {}. Not only is she an epic creator of beautiful jewelry, but she is also an amazing boss....the best of the best. Over the years I have kept in touch, and whenever I'm in the city I always visit her at the Grand Street studio in Williamsburg {Brooklyn}. Sometimes we lunch, sometimes we sip tea....and we always get into the most wonderful, and meaningful, conversations. Lately I discovered that Olia has taken on a 30 day writing challenge: keeping a blog, writing for 30 minutes every day. Well, in those 30 minutes Olia covers alot....a whole lot, and a whole lot of important and close-to-the-heart kinda shit. Recently she wrote a blog that really, really resonated with me. It reminded me of the way that Shawn described how he felt about dating me...and something that my mom chooses to remind me of, here and there. SO: I thought that I'd share it with you all.

"...Her {Elizabeths} blog talks about vision and having ownership of your vision and that is what I thought of doing this morning. I discovered vision setting years ago. It was so effective for me that I gush about it to anyone in need of a house, boyfriend, family or a new job. I learned that the way to get those things is through a carefully planned vision. I engage in the vision exercise, not exorcise (thank you Josh), frequently but this morning I feel that I need it again. I need it in terms of my relationships. Elizabeth’s writing about carrying certain stories with you your whole life time struck me. I thought that I have processed all of my “stories”, but I have not. The haunt me almost everyday and they need to be exorcised :) That is where curses come in. I think curses can come from other people but they are only effective if you then curse yourself. Otherwise they fall away like dry leaves.

Josh, I am sorry to do this but you cursed me. And then I cursed myself. I notice this curse every time I get into an argument with my husband and other arguments as well. It was a strong curse and for the sake of exorcising it, I am doing it publicly because I know when you read it, you will help me. One day we got into our fight, in my mind was our final fight. We were arguing and were both exhausted. You were painfully whimpering from your chair and you said “Being with Lisa was like dying of cancer and being with you is like being burned alive.” You always had a way with words, that is why I love you. I walked out with my little Papilloni on a leash, crying down the street. What I did then was internalize these words. I thought, well if I were to choose a death. If I had to choose between these two options, I would probably choose cancer. Burned alive is very scary and I don’t ever want to experience it, ever! I know this is graphic but its for a reason.

The truth is, first of all, I don’t have to choose the two deaths and you didn’t either. There is a third and a fourth and an infinite option. For example, dying in your bed smiling while your dearest friends and family are around you with candles and smiles to help you in your transition. I think I’ll take that option and you can too if you want to.

The other thing is, I am a fire sign, so I am known to be fiery. I know that fire can light the night and keep you warm but it can also burn you. I’ve done both in my life. I think its also why I believed this statement so much. Knowing that I am a fire, I assumed that it was the truth. Being with me felt like being burned alive. I notice now that when my husband gets upset with me, even when its his own stuff, I think to myself, “Tred lightly, being with you is like being burned alive so you should be grateful to anybody willing to commit to a lifetime of eternal fire.” Its an unconscious thought and it has many forms but I know its there, compounded with my mom’s words “Being with you is not easy, Olia.” Ouch, even writing this one, hurts so much. Why is being with me not easy, mom? Why? Is being with other people easier? What’s wrong with me? Is it because being with me is like being burned alive? In that case, I should be alone. Right?

So now the Vision. The all powerful, aligning vision.

I see me waking up in the morning with a smile on my face. I had a restful night sleep. Its perfectly quiet in the house. All the day’s things are put away. I look over and see my love, he is waking up quietly. I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I look refreshed and beautiful after a night’s sleep. Yes, beautiful, I always look beautiful to myself. My eyes are shiny and wide. The whites of my eyes are still that bluish color that they were when I was a child. My body is lean, firm and soft. My skin is smooth and feels good to the touch. I am graceful in my movements. I conserve my energy well but I also know how to make more if I need it. I am healthy and agile. I clean myself and start my daily stretches in my private space. It involves stretching, meditation and space. Sometimes my love and children join me. They are allowed as long as they are respectful of the ritual, they are welcome.

We all gather together to eat our morning meal. It is nutritious and filling. Its its satisfying. Hot liquid that warms the soul. Warm home cooked meal full of all the vitamins needed for a vital and productive day.

My husband and my children appreciate one another and me. We understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We help to strengthen the strengths with kind words, support, encouragement and love and we help each other with our weaknesses using the same techniques. I feel loved in my relationships. I feel appreciated and I feel stronger when I am with them because of our combined energy. We come together in harmony and unison and although our paths are not identical we can travel together happily, encouraging our combined and personal journeys. We laugh a lot. I love making them laugh and I love it when they make me laugh, especially out loud. Laughter and interesting conversation fills our house. It is our place of coming together for sharing, caring, regaining strength, resting, enjoying, learning and listening to each other.

I feel calm when I get home. I feel peace within my walls. I feel peace in my soul and I feel peace all around me. I feel abundance and love. I feel light on my face. I feel space and time. I feel help all around me. I feel clear because our house is kept clean with all of our efforts combined. I feel free to be myself. I feel like I can dress how I want to and my family will like it, especially when I fantasize a very elaborate ensemble. I feel the perfect balance of leisure and work. I feel that we enjoy time together and time apart. We can come together in connection and leave in connection, free. Free of attachment and control. I fee free to be me and being me is the way that I express myself. Whether it is jewelry, writing, singing, standing on my head, therapy, film making, or drawing, I feel supported. I feel that what I am doing is important. Just as important as everyone else’s work in the family.

I feel that there is balance. We love our work and we love our time together and we love our time alone. We appreciate each other deeply and we listen to each other’s needs. We are compassionate for each other when the other’s are hurt. The one that is hurt gets special attention until they recover but we all have “special attention” all the time because we learned to give that “special attention” to our selves in our daily lives. We don’t need it anymore but its very nice to receive it.

There is a balance between giving an receiving. We give gifts daily and receive gifts. A gift is a piece of sprouted wheat toast with organic butter or its an Imac :) What ever it is, the intention is giving and receiving in balance. Giving and receiving as pleasure and abundance, not substitute for missed love and affection. Giving and receiving in celebration of life, sometimes marked by special events.

We enjoy special events. Halloween, Hanukah, Rosh Hashana, Thankgiving, Christmas (I know its not mine but I celebrate it in my Jewish way, chinese food and sometimes movie), New Years Eve, Passover, Valentines Day, Shabbat, Yom Kippur, Memorial and Labour day weekend I can keep going but the calendar is already marked with nice times for breaks and enjoyment. Its not to be rigid but to enjoy within a community not just the family.

We love spending time with family. We bond and laugh and help each other. We share and do all the things we do in our immediate family but with our extended family as well. It spreads from inside out. The core has to be strong and the flower can bloom beautifully.

We love spending time with friends. It is the same with them from inside out. When we grow inside we can share our growth with the outside, otherwise we share our own discomfort.

Ok I have an appointment coming.

I will do more later but I think I got the core.


Thank YOU Olia for sharing your inner most emotions and thoughts with us -- sometimes hearing of someone elses struggle helps us to navigate through our own suffering.

Oh, and PS: Thank you Olia for the most beaaaaaaautiful 'prezzie' every....the earrings are BEAUTIFUL!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment