not all who wander are lost.

Saturday, March 2, 2013


This was the email that mom sent out about the medium...

      This is one of those times I wish I had a secretary that I could have type up my dictation, or better yet a stenographer who could write the entire transcript of what took place yesterday. I have a tape of the entire session , but it is too long for me to send in an email. I am sure there are ways to do it, but I am not that tech savvy.So here goes...
      Yesterday I went to a Medium.If you are not a believer, than feel free to ignore everything I will write in these next few pages. When I first got there she got our names and birth dates ( Paul , Cailin , and I )  She also did a quick check of my palms.Paul and I were soul mates without a doubt.He is embeded in my palm. He was my life partner, which means we were together until Death do us part.He being the one who died. I will also have a life partner (until death does ME part) . She was not the first psychic type person to tell me that I would have two marriages.But Paul was meant to be with me right from the start.
          I have a strong long life line. And good people skills.I am healing, at least better than I was before.
           She told me he was with me on the ride up to see her.
          She then looked at the pictures I brought with me. The older pictures from about 2 1/2 years ago showed sadness. He was healthy and knew he was dying, so the sadness came through. The pictures from only a few months before his death showed an acceptance.
        She then told me he was here and looked great. Younger and stronger than any of the photos. He told her that he had needed to stay for months in "Recovery". I asked her about the recovery room, and she explained it like this. People aren't always ready and accepting of the transition, and sometimes they  get there, as in Paul's case in sickness. It takes time to adjust. The earthly pain and illness is cleansed away, and you have time to adjust to your new surroundings. She described it as a glass room that you look out at things that make you happy so you can get used to the place. She said Paul's was all green with fields and forests and water.
         He did not want to go. He felt that he had been shorted, but he was shown the "books" and he began to realize he was right on schedule.She asked me if LONG ago Paul talked about an early death, and I remember sitting in the old house and him saying he'd never life past 30, and how he never wanted to be OLD. Well , he lived past 30 . But she said that's the type person who has this incredible zest for life. They are trying to fill every moment , just in case.
         She said he told her he knew how much I loved him. He felt so sad that before the transition because he felt his personality and his communication was so bad. She said he told her his voice had changed, and he had a  hard time finding his words, and it frustrated him so. With that I started to cry and she said he was trying to hold my hand.
       He visits all the time. She said he loved the changes I have made to the house and he said to change the colors and it might make me feel better.He doesn't want me to be sad looking at all the things that remind me of him every day.He will always be there in the house , but I won't hurt so much.
       He can't come to me because the "veil" of grief is too thick. 
       She said he has been there when I have sorted through his things and he reaches out to touch my hair. She said he put my finger right on paperwork the other day. She asked about a lawsuit or legal stuff and paperwork.
      He thanked us ( Cailin and I) for making so many memories for him to carry with him.He said as a family unit he couldn't have asked for more
        Then all of a sudden he showed her his welcome to the other side, and she said. Wow, did you guys have a lot of dogs? They just jumped all over him licking his face and going crazy. There were lots of people there. One older woman, and two people his own age. One was a man who died within the past year that he knew growing up, and one woman with a beautiful face stood out.but the animals were the highlight.
       She said he was really funny and had a lot of one liners. He said he's trying to learn as fast as he can, but he's not so great yet.
        I then asked about Cailin. She said he was her PRINCESS and could do no wrong. He said she was spoiled, but that's the way he wanted it. She will marry and all three of us will love him. He will be an asset to our family. She will have 2 children, one will definitely be a boy and Paul was thrilled with that. He was protective of her while he was here and protective now. He always worried about her, but now that he can see the whole picture he's better about that.
         I told the medium that Cailin had worried she didn't do enough for Paul and again he said , she could do no wrong, She was his world,his PRINCESS.She has a strong sense of self, she is selective, and has high standards.He was, and is , so proud of her.He said she did a better job taking care of him then he did taking care of her when he was sick, and she has to stop beating herself up about it. 
      He knows that we ALL tried to be tough, with our "I got this" attitude. He said as a family we could not have done more. He says he knows I put my life on hold and he couldn't have done it without me.He knew that because of what we did he got extra time here.
      She saw Balloons and a celebration. She and asked if I knew what we were celebrating, and I told her we celebrated every day of his life so I wasn't really sure.
        He was at his send off and he LOVED it.
        Here's where I had to ask the only real question I went for. I told her I was asleep when he passed. With that she looked up and said, "He just asked if we should slap you now? " He told me he never wanted to go, and he could not have left with me watching. The medium asked if it was the most sound sleep I had had on months, and I said yes. I had told him it was ok for him to go and that we would be all right, and then I slept while he had the opportunity to be taken away.I so needed to hear that.
      So in general I am happy to know that he is good, he's well, he loves us, he watches over us. The minute he can come through he will. Souls are drawn to laughter. Tears make them want to comfort us but laughter brings them in. So for my part I will continue to heal and laugh and take these little gifts that Paul give me and try to fill the whole in my heart with them.
      The Medium told me you don't just get to sit around in heaven doing nothing. He is getting ready to take a job. Its outdoors of course. All he looks at is what he loved here on earth. Perhaps he will remain the Nativeguide. Hopefully  he will lead us all to his favorite spots.
        I think I did the session justice, but I have it taped and its pretty powerful to listen to it So if you feel the need, come over and listen. 
        I'm kind of wrecked right now by all this news. It really took a toll on me, but in a good way. Its great being alone in the house talking out loud to Paul like a crazy woman. Oh , for the best part. When I was driving to see her I was listening as I always do to the songs Cailin put on my phone before she left. I was about half way on my journey when I stated to really listen to the Words of the song DIGEST by Ben Taylor. I was amazed by how it so fit the situation I was in. I was already thinking when it ended I would play it again ( the hundreds of songs are on SHUFFLE and play randomly).    Well without me doing anything it came on again and then again. After about the fourth time I manually switched to another song. Well this morning at 3 AM I woke from sound sleep and realized what she had said about Paul being with me for the ride. I then played that, and three other songs from the Ben Taylor album Deeper than Gravity over and over and sobbed like nothing I've ever done before. I look like a train wreck but you have to break it down before you build it back up again, so right now I'm being Wrecked. And that's ok. Love to all, Doreen

 When it gets me depressed I find
That it's best with my chest high
As I stretch my lungs & express my love,
Hold my breath & forget my pride,
To reflect that the rest of our lives are a measure of time.
We may as well try to express some style.
I exhale my prayer.
(And) follow it with my eyes as it fills the air.
In the back of my mind I imagine that you can hear
As if you could still be near me.

Lately I've been breaking my mind,
Trying my best but it's taking its time.
I've been forced to digest this wasteful emptiness.
I'm supposed to laugh as if there's nothing going on.
I know life goes on regardless,
But nothing's been the same
Since you've been gone.

Another run around the sun,
Look at the things we've seen.
What have we both become?
What have we dreamed?
Who have we lost?
And what have we won?

I never could've believed that you wouldn't have finished what we'd begun.
I never dared to imagine you would've been taken away from us.

Lately I've been breaking my mind,
Trying my best but it's taking its time.
I've been forced to digest this wasteful emptiness.
I'm supposed to laugh as if there's nothing going on.
I know life goes on regardless,
But nothing's been the same
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone.

Now times change & the game plays on,
And the truth remains but the rules have all gone wrong.
Life rises, now here we are
Still looking for the place where we belong.
Stronger than habit & fantasy,
Deeper than gravity.
What will be has to be.
God planned it, I understand it.
I hadn't imagined you'd leave me stranded
On this stage in these lights where I'm standing.
No right to complain
Cause it's already more than I'd ever had asked.
But without you
The best has yet to pass & now this song is about you.

And I've been forced to digest this wasteful emptiness.
I'm supposed to laugh as if there's nothing going on.
I know life goes on regardless,
But nothing's been the same
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone.


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