not all who wander are lost.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Wild Rose

Inside I feel beautiful and unique and sassy. And then I see a photo of myself and I don't recognize the person that I'm staring at. Was it the break up? Was it the stress of my Dad? How did I get this body, and why cant I seem to get rid of it? As shallow as it may sound, I have been brought to tears a few times about it during my trip. I think that most women are completely ludicrous when it comes to our assessments of our own (beautiful) bodies- but someone can only be surrounded by stunning slim ladies and handsome uninterested men before they begin to think, "Wow. I'm this that or the other thing". Chubby girls need love too, goddamnit, and I'm lonely. This was what I was thinking as I was walking to yoga today. Got a bit turned around for a minute, but eventually made my way to Wild Rose Yoga for a 2hr vinyasa yoga class with Pancho. It cost 250 baht ($9usd) which is 3x more than I'm paying for a bed in the dorm. Well, it was worth every penny and THEN some. One of the best classes that I've ever attended...physically as well as spiritually. Pancho was great at guiding us in and out of poses and his voice was as smooth as silk. We started class with an Anusara yoga invocation chant and then he did some chatting before having us set our intention. He said that when he woke up this morning that he was angry and anxious- and that throughout the day, the more that he focused on shaking it off, the more that he gave it Life. On his way to class he still hadn't rid himself of these emotions- he knew that he couldn't hide it from us- so as soon as he accepted it and decided to share his emotions with us, well- it disappeared. As soon as you stop trying to shove emotions into the corner, to forget about them- once you accept them as a part of you, the intensity begins to fade away. WOW. It really resonated with what I was feeling. Loneliness. The more that I think about it, the lonelier I become. SelfDoubt. The more that I think about and fret about my looks, my body, my personality- the more that I hate myself. Stop giving these negative emotions life- stop feeding them and they will cease to exist. We dedicated our practice to acknowledging and loving all of it- every dirty bit of it. And that way we can get on with living and growing. Well, the class was brilliant. 2 difficult but blissful hours of yoga in a beautiful space, with an amazing teacher, surrounded with special individuals- with an intention in my heart, riding on every breath. I left class with clarity and confidence- smiling on the outside as well as the inside. I joined up with my amazing travel partner, Mick, and we headed out for yet another delicious meal- filled not only with great food, but soul-nourishing conversation. And then, about halfway through my Thai peanut curry all of that confidence, clarity and calm left me- replaced by insecurity and loneliness. This has nothing to do with Mick, it's one thousand percent of my own self doing and self destruction. But I'm seated across from a compassionate, attractive, funny and very talented individual, of the opposite sex, who doesn't think twice about where one another stands in this relationship- this friendship. We talk about his exgirlfriends and the ladies he's interested in. And though everyone is entitled to their own 'type', and rarely is a love something that is mutual or always reciprocated, I can't help but to feel a bit hurt. So we're back at the dorm. Micks asleep as I lay here, attempting to nurse back my ego and any bit of self confidence - focusing hard on the important lesson that Pancho shared with us today in class. I need to stop feeding these emotions if I don't want them hanging around any longer....

I'm hoping to catch a class tomorrow AM...hopefully another dose of Panchos medicine will fix me up. I have one day left of being 23...I want to make sure that I start of 24 RIGHT: feeling fulfilled, loved and goddamn amazing. Man or no man.

1 comment:

  1. i love you more than anything on earth.. you are alone because you are traveling going where you want when you want.. someday you will find a special person to share everything with, for now enjoy sharing it with your friends and family.. you HAVE self confidence you are beautiful and dont worry about me..there is nothing you can do...BUT.. to make me happy, i want you to be the way, happy birthday my princess.. love you dad