not all who wander are lost.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Comfort, Growth and Changing Paths.

Hurting my knee has really interrupted my summer flow: particularly my two main forms of income, waitressing and yoga. But in addition to that there are many small things which are disrupted, that you don't know are important until they are no longer possible: helping to care for my dad, driving (yes, I hurt my RIGHT knee), my approaching 40 day spiritual and physical cleanse, cooking, and so much more. Small things have become difficult, and my outgoing, energetic soul is taking quite a while to adapt the new way of life...which is basic, basic, basic. I met with Dr. Thomas Barrett, my Orthopedic the other day. He said that even if it is a strain and not a tear that it will be about 6 weeks before I'm back in action with full use of my knee. Until we get the MRI (which is on Saturday) we won't know exactly what's going on - so in the meantime I am to rest up, take it EASY, ice, and elevate. For those of you who know me - this is not easy. Perhaps if I was on my 8 month holiday and there were no waves...but my body and mind are programmed to work nonstop between the months of June and October. I have been having mini-panic attacks multiple times throughout the past few days. I've been stressed with thoughts about not being about to help my Dad, the fact that my mother needs to now care for me, and of course -- money!! I get to play for 8 months because of these few months of extremely hard work, organization and dedication. What will I do when the time comes to set sail again?

I have been a waitress at Mildred's for SEVEN years now! I always wondered what would be the event in my life that would spark me leaving -- I was sure that it would only be when I decided not to return to Jersey, opting instead to live somewhere abroad. Yes, it is a miserable and hectic place to work - but it's an evil that I know inside and out...and I make very good money there, and even better than that are the great hours. Last year I started to question myself :
"Am I compromising who I am as a person by working for someone who I don't respect? A place filled with those who have their morals ass-backwards...a place that when I leave has changed me, and not for the better?" But then I would talk myself out of it, saying that it's just a job - everyone needs to survive, and it allows me to live the beautiful life that I lead. I just turn a blind eye to all of the nonsense, stick my head down, do my job (and do it WELL, might I add) and then be on my way. Though this injury is going to keep me from doing the Baron Baptiste "40 Days to Personal Revolution" program, I still have been reading the book - and I have taken a lot from it, particularly concerning my bad habit of being a creature of habit....

"The comfort zone may feel cozy and familiar, but it is like sweet poison, silently killing off our childlike spontaneity and our vitality. When we choose our comfort zone over growth we get stuck or worse, because ultimately we are either awakening and growing or numbing out and spiraling downward. Life is never static - we either grow or die. ... So many of us who rather cling to the familiar than risk the unknown. The past is familiar, something we can hold on to, while the future is completely uncharted and feels groundless. But we must venture forward in order to grow. ...We veer away from taking that journey inward and therefore out of our comfort zone, not realizing that the way out is in." -- Baron Baptiste

I am taking this injury as a total blessing in disguise. Though it pains me to be unable to help my mom and dad during this difficult time, this was necessary. Without this I would never be free of that restaurant. I have bitched and I have moaned, but deep down I know that I would never was too comfortable. The other day when I called to tell my boss about my injury, her reply was "Real nice Cailin, I can't believe that you're doing this to me on the week of the 4th!!! I mean, really!?!? Looks like I'm just going to have to hire someone new to work your shifts, and you can kiss your schedule goodbye". There was no sympathy and no inquiry about my health or that my of my father...a toxic place is finally a part of my past, and I have my torn or strained meniscus to thank. I needed this kind of response to solidify my departure and be happy about it. Instead of stressing about money and work - my focus is now spent on my family and on finding out where I want to take my life -- what do I want from life, and what do I want my purpose to be in the world. "When we relax in the face of stress, a power greater than ourselves can act through us. At any given moment, the compassionate, frictionless flow of the universe wants to help us, if only we will allow it. (baron baptiste)" Years ago when I dropped out of highschool because of excessive bullying - I thought that life as I knew it was over. I was devastated. Well, I graduated from University years ahead of my time, and have since been trekking the globe. That "bad" life event sparked the amazing lifestyle I lead now, and I wouldn't change a thing. So despite my fear, frustration and pain - I am trying to keep an open mind to a new path. I think that this is going to be a changing point in my life, I'm ready to receive.

So the next time your life seems to be falling apart and you find yourself asking "Why Me?", know that THIS is your opportunity to change things around, to take a new path. Even if you think it's too late to change your situation.....

There's a Turkish proverb that says :
"No matter how far you have gone down a wrong road,
turn back."

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