not all who wander are lost.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Not Yet...

My dad loved the movie Gladiator....LOVED it. We must have watched it dozens of times over the years. In the movie, Maximus (the gladiator), has lost both his son and his wife. He carries around two little figurines of them and speaks to them in his prayers. 

Every morning I wake up and sit at my altar, just taking some time for silence before I start my day. Sometimes I sit for two minutes, and sometimes it's closer to two hours. I drift between silence and stillness, to contemplation and prayer. On my altar are some things that mean the most to me...a mala from India that I wore, a photo of my Dad, a statue of a peacock (symbolizing transformation and rising from the ashes) and hanuman (the monkey god who displays that anything is possible when moving from a place of pure love), and some crystals that I have been gifted over the years. In these peaceful moments of the morning I have been talking to my Dad. I tell him about my day, my life, my frustrations and my celebrations. I tell him about my relationships, my morning surf sessions and about what's on my mind. I always remind him that I love him and that I miss him- and I tell him that I know that I will see him again, just not yet. 

Italy was amazing for me, and it was the strongest that I have felt [emotionally] in a long time. It felt so empowering to do what I do best, in a beautiful place, and to be able to share that experience with my mom. When we arrived at the Colosseum in Rome we both got a bit weepy. We couldn't be there without thinking of Gladiator, which of course brought a bit of sadness to our hearts. In the movie he says to his wife and child...."I will see you again...but not yet...not yet..." As I held my mom outside of the colosseum, I heard her whisper this to my Dad...

And so here I am at the Mediums home. She is the one that my mom went to many months ago when she talked to my Dad. He had weighed in on everything from his experience in the after life to the colors that she was painting the walls. I sit here now, my throat tight with anxiety, sadness and excitement. I hope that my Dad is here. I reminded him this morning of the place and the time. I hope that he hears my morning rambles and today I suppose ill find out if he does. There's no expectations really, nothing that I need to know or questions that I have to ask. I guess I just want to make sure that he's happy, and that he's still around me....Wish me luck. 

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