bye bye pai

Me and My Two Dutch: Linda & Mick

Today I left Pai, and I'm not too sure how I feel about it. When I travel, I only fly with one way tickets. I have loose plans... guidelines that are completely open to interpretation. I hate feeling rushed or tied to deadlines. Unfortunately, overstaying your visa in thailand isn't as acceptable as it is in Cambodia- it's expensive, and if too much time passes then there are serious consequences. So, in Pai- with an amazing group of individuals who truly know me, understand me, and fill my days with love and laughter (especially the Dutch, who have me keeled over, clutching at my sides because im laughing so hard)- and I'm simply not ready to leave. We had an amazing Thai dinner followed by a night of drunken debauchery in town- singing and dancing, laughing and hugging- and taking loads of photos to document the good times. We stumbled into our huts a bit after 3am, then were up before 8am so we could say our goodbyes to Ramzi. Ooooohh RAMZI. Ramzi is from Germany. He has been studying in Bangkok for the past several months, and he is one of the funniest motherfuckers that I've ever met. The commentary that went on between him and my darling dutch Linda literally made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. They just bantered back and forth- all day and all night, every single day. A touch hungover with far too little sleep, we all headed to our favorite breakfast place in town, the Witching Well, for strawberry smoothies and mushroom curry crepes. Claire, Ramzi, Mick, Linda and Myself....recapping the night, looking through photos, reenacting moments and watching videos. Let me tell you- Mick has turned me onto making videos...and they are BRILLIANT. Photos are good but videos are great- they really help you to relive the moment. Mick is always making videos- combinations of photos and videos, with music behind them, of all the places that he goes. When I get home I'm going to start-- the movies bring you to tears ( of happiness ). We headed back to Ramzi's hut so that he could pack...and then out came our bottle of Thai whiskey. 10am and we all had some hair of the dog. Perfect. Again- an hour of paralyzing laughter. Shouting and insulting one another in Dutch, German and English. Ramzi left us, and then the 5 became 4. But not for long, because Dean joined us shortly thereafter. Dean is another amazing human being that I've been blessed with meeting this past MAGICAL week in Pai. He's been living in Pai the past 5months- training 6 hours a day, 6 days a week in Muy Thai. He's kindof taken Mick under his wing and is helping him find a place in the training. Deans life has been one hell of a journey, but he's come out on top, with a passion for life that matches my own. He has the most beautiful eyes that you've ever seen and a smile that makes YOU smile. Our group decided that it was too hot for anything other than swimming, so we headed to FLUID, the local pool. For 60baht ($2usd) you get to swim in the big, refreshing pool, a nice mat to lounge on the grass with, and use of the gym as well as table tennis. It's a nice way to spend a sweltering hot afternoon. We ate some "proper wedges" (for those of us in America, French Fries!), swam, relaxed, read and swam some more. We decided on Thai food for dinner and all went to Na's for some ammmmazing curry. On our walk there I had a lump in my throat. The pit that had been in my stomach for the previous two days wasn't going away- it was getting worse. Leaving Pai didn't feel right, Leaving my friends didnt feel right, and leaving Mick felt downright wrong. As we made our way to dinner I fought back tears, struggled to swallow and breaths were staggered with the millions of emotions that were pumping through me. It was like I was trying to breathe without lungs. I've never had an anxiety attack before, but I'm pretty sure that I experienced one tonight. Dinner was delicious, but my mind was somewhere else. We stopped for dessert and I couldn't hold it in anymore. The lump in my throat was overbearing and painful, i began to cry big tears that had a mind of their own and I literally couldn't breathe. I was so focused on just taking slow steady breaths that I nearly fainted. Holy fucking Christ, what the fuck is going on?!?! It scared the shit out of me- I've never reacted this way before to anything. Got it together long enough to make it to the bus station and say my sad farewells. I hated to leave Linda but we'll be meeting up again in Laos a few days from now. Still, leaving her, even if only for a few days- feels really awkward and awful. Dean is someone I will definitely be crossing paths with again, so we simply said "I'll be seeing you". Claire, always taking care of everyone despite being the baby (19) gave me the hug that I needed and then Mick. Oh my oh my oh Mick. Two weeks feels like two years. The universe has a way of giving you just what you need- and the universe gave me Mick. Yeah it didn't work out the way id perhaps dreamt it up in my head, but perhaps its better this way- we don't always know what's best for us. Mick has helped me to heal- leave behind the fucked up year Ive just endured and start living again. I can't pinpoint what exactly it was about him- what he said or what he did specifically, but just being around him made me happy, and brought on a sense of peace and safety that I haven't known before. I hated leaving him, and as I'm in the van headed towards Laos I just keep telling myself that all is well and that this is for the best. But honestly, I'm quite sad. I can't stop crying. It started as we pulled away and it continues now- well over an hour into my journey. Still struggling a bit to swallow and breathe- but I guess that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

This is why I travel. For moments like these and people like this. People that make you excited about living and breathing- people that inspire you to be more, see more, and EXPECT more- instead of just settling. Because despite these flowing tears, I'm happier than I've been in a Very LONG time. Because right now I'm so very ALIVE. THIS... this is why I travel.

Sent from my iPhone

Bangkok. Chiang Mai. Pai.

This Tshirt sums it up. As Mick said...

Bangkok sucked.
Chiang Mai was an improvement.
But Pai...is heaven.

Facebook Photos

Holy Shit, it has taken me collectively about 24 hours to upload less than 200 photos onto facebook. So check em out: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?=623663&id=653500240&l=d34cdba381

Circular Yoga.

I love yoga. I love taking a class, teaching a class, and having my own personal practice. But more than anything, I love practicing yoga in a CIRCLE. I think this is why I loved the Yurt (yoga Swami's) in Encinitas, CA so much. The sense of community is profound, and when you practice in the intimate setting of a circle, it has the ability to break down walls and make the practice more than just physical. In Pai (northern Thailand), I have been taking classes with Bhud, a lovely Thai woman. She teaches on a deck by the river, that just so happens to be laidout in a circle! Brilliant! As we flow through class, the energy that we are creating is just being passed around the circle from one to another. In warrior II you gaze across the circle to find another yogi smiling back at you. It is a safe place in a foreign place- a home away from home. Bhuds two hour classes aren't as physically intense as most- but they are soul satisfying for sure! We begin with 20minutes of breathing exercises (pranayama), followed by the physical practice (asanas), then a LONG delightful savasana >>the best savasana I've EVER had, and then 20minutes of seated meditation. From 10am til noon, it's a great way to start my days.

Drink Drink Drunk.

Drank my body weight in Thai Whiskey last night, woke up- stumbled to coffee and water. Still a bit drunk I believe- stalked my ex on facebook, and now headed back to bed. Christ, my lil midget body is not meant to consume alcohol....especially Thai whiskey. Good night, or shall I say Good Afternoon....

Beautiful Day.

I woke up this morning and had to pee-- it was freezing and I was dreading my departure from the warmth of my bed. Finally drug myself up and out, went to the loo, and was wide awake despite the early hour. I decided to just sit on the deck of our hut and take it all in. I watched the beautiful sunrise and enjoyed the tranquility that only the early morning hours has to offer. Crossed the bamboo bridge into town and caught up with my mom on Skype. My dads vision has been shit lately- he has to wear a patch over his one eye, otherwise he gets insanely dizzy and is plagued with headaches. They had a doctors appointment yesterday, and the news wasn't great..the tumor is causing this nuisance and there is nothing that we can do about it. I let it get to me for a bit, and then my attitude changed. He was supposed to bed dead a few months ago, so if now all he has to do is wear a patch, I'd say he's gotten a good deal. After the call I headed back across the bamboo bridge to wake up my traveling partner for another delicious breakfast in Pai. As I crossed the river I couldn't help but to grin from ear to ear- goddamn beautiful. ANOTHER beautiful day...

PAI. PAI. PAI.

I love Pai (which is not pronounced "pie", but "BYE"). Out of all the places I've been in southeast Asia, this town is hands down my favorite. I havent really loved Thailand. Bangkok was pretty awful and Chiang Mai was an improvement- but Pai is heaven. Raw, vegan, vegetarian food everywhere. And cheap. The street food is so so SO much better than any I've had elsewhere in Asia. The mango with sticky rice doesn't even taste like the same dish that I had in Bangkok....heaps more delicious, fresh...and simply amazing.

The ride here was only 3 hours, but with nearly 700 turns in the curvy mountain road, there wasn't one passenger who WASN'T nauseous. We pulled into town and from that moment on I have been unable to shake this smile from my face. We booked a room at Golden Huts on the river. It was nice, but I figured that we could do better. We cruised town, loaded up on lots of street food, and ran into some familiar faces from Chiang Mai. We met up with them and some other random wanderers for some whiskeys. Good times, good conversations- but we were both exhausted from my birthday party the night before. So, called it an early night and went to sleep. It was a pretty uneventful birthday- the night before was great, but the actual day was quite mellow. Wake up (bit hungover), amazing yoga class @ Wild Rose with Mick and Andy, delicious curry lunch with Mick, then bus to Pai.

We woke up this morning and moved into a hut across the river. For 150 baht ($5usd, so 2.50each) we have a super cute hut with our own bathroom and shower!!! Yeeew! The common area is ON the river and it's adorable. So lovely. When I stop having so much fun, I will upload some photos and write some longer blogs. Anywho- love our new spot. Had an AMAZING breakfast. Fresh tomato salad and curry potatoes and mushrooms tucked into a thin egg Omlette. Holy Christ. A bit expensive- $3, but so outstanding- it was worth $10! Lined up some morning vinyasa yoga classes, and evening yin yoga classes. I'm in heaven. We rented a motobike and then met up with some friends around noon. I'm pretty adventurous- and this past year I have become rather fearless- but I have no desire at all to drive a moto. It's terrifying to me. Mick has lots of moto experience in Asia, and he didn't mind driving me around- which was awesome. It was $3usd to rent a moto for 24hrs, $3 for the biggest insurance package, and $3 for petrol. Not bad. Ryan, Katie, Fabian, Mick and I hopped on our motos and made a 90minute journey up and down twisty twurvy mountain roads to a huge cave. We were a bit skeptical at first because it looked abandoned, but I was great- no one was there! it was like a natural playground for adventurous adults. We climbed and and crawled our way through- sweating and completely covered in dirt and bat shit. It was the most interactive cave that I've ever been in- and I have visited many caves in multiple countries. We took a ton of badass photos then hopped back on our motos towards town. A few kilometers outside of Pai is a beautiful and refreshing waterfall, so we stopped to clean some of the dirt off of our filthy bodies.

Back home in Pai now- full of street food, and still full of gratitude to be in such a cool place.

High, Low, InBetween and UpsideDown

So the response to my Wild Rose blog has been mixed. "Jesus, THAT was depressing", or people offering words of reassurance. Okay- so it's like I've said before, about the poo. Honesty is my policy- it's not all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I have tragic poo pain from street food- and no matter what, I choose to share it with you. I don't think that anyones life is ever perfect all day everyday- so why should mine be any different? I could pretend that all is well- but as Meesh said "to not say important things....is like lying". So, I'm sorry if I upset or offended anyone with my blog. But to keep the balance I find that once I succumb to and admit to any emotions I'm experiencing, I just Feel better. As soon as I wrote that blog the other day I felt the weight of it fade away. I had an amazing night last night, I've had an amazing morning- and im pretty sure that I'm going to have an amazing day. Just packed my bags, opened up a refreshing soda water- and I'm getting ready to hop on a bus to Pai...

Yes to Yoga.

Loooove yoga! And I'm so glad to be able to take some classes in beautiful Chiang Mai. Last night took a power yoga class in the heart of the city @ Weena Yoga- and this morning I'm headed to a flowy vinyasa class @ Wild Rose. Happy 24 to me!!!

Thai Party Time.

Last night after yoga, Mick and I headed out with some of our fellow hostel dwellers. We headed a short walk into town for some drinks and (hopefully) some dancing!! I sipped on Sangsom, local whiskey- and we all had a giddy kind of aura happening. Made our way to the reggae bar- where we danced and danced!! SO much fun! Lisa, one of the lovely ladies that we were out with, had told the band that it was my birthday- so before their break they sang a badass reggae version of Happy Birthday Cailin!! Yeeewww! Ended my night with a banana chocolate pancake! Hooray!

Cosmic Love.

Florence + The Machine.
Love. Love. Love.
LOVE.

At first it was just
- Heavy In Your Arms
- My Boy Builds Coffins
- Dog Days Are Over
On my rotation. Then "You've got the love" was added, and my most recent favorite is COSMIC LOVE. We had it heavily on rotation at the cabin in Washington when I was with Julia- so of course, it reminds me of her- maybe that's why I love it so much. No matter what- I've listened to it 6 times in a row his morning- and I'll probably listen to it another dozen times before I go to Bed tonight. So, do yourself a favor- and listen to this song.

Wild Rose

Inside I feel beautiful and unique and sassy. And then I see a photo of myself and I don't recognize the person that I'm staring at. Was it the break up? Was it the stress of my Dad? How did I get this body, and why cant I seem to get rid of it? As shallow as it may sound, I have been brought to tears a few times about it during my trip. I think that most women are completely ludicrous when it comes to our assessments of our own (beautiful) bodies- but someone can only be surrounded by stunning slim ladies and handsome uninterested men before they begin to think, "Wow. I'm lacking....in this that or the other thing". Chubby girls need love too, goddamnit, and I'm lonely. This was what I was thinking as I was walking to yoga today. Got a bit turned around for a minute, but eventually made my way to Wild Rose Yoga for a 2hr vinyasa yoga class with Pancho. It cost 250 baht ($9usd) which is 3x more than I'm paying for a bed in the dorm. Well, it was worth every penny and THEN some. One of the best classes that I've ever attended...physically as well as spiritually. Pancho was great at guiding us in and out of poses and his voice was as smooth as silk. We started class with an Anusara yoga invocation chant and then he did some chatting before having us set our intention. He said that when he woke up this morning that he was angry and anxious- and that throughout the day, the more that he focused on shaking it off, the more that he gave it Life. On his way to class he still hadn't rid himself of these emotions- he knew that he couldn't hide it from us- so as soon as he accepted it and decided to share his emotions with us, well- it disappeared. As soon as you stop trying to shove emotions into the corner, to forget about them- once you accept them as a part of you, the intensity begins to fade away. WOW. It really resonated with what I was feeling. Loneliness. The more that I think about it, the lonelier I become. SelfDoubt. The more that I think about and fret about my looks, my body, my personality- the more that I hate myself. Stop giving these negative emotions life- stop feeding them and they will cease to exist. We dedicated our practice to acknowledging and loving all of it- every dirty bit of it. And that way we can get on with living and growing. Well, the class was brilliant. 2 difficult but blissful hours of yoga in a beautiful space, with an amazing teacher, surrounded with special individuals- with an intention in my heart, riding on every breath. I left class with clarity and confidence- smiling on the outside as well as the inside. I joined up with my amazing travel partner, Mick, and we headed out for yet another delicious meal- filled not only with great food, but soul-nourishing conversation. And then, about halfway through my Thai peanut curry all of that confidence, clarity and calm left me- replaced by insecurity and loneliness. This has nothing to do with Mick, it's one thousand percent of my own self doing and self destruction. But I'm seated across from a compassionate, attractive, funny and very talented individual, of the opposite sex, who doesn't think twice about where one another stands in this relationship- this friendship. We talk about his exgirlfriends and the ladies he's interested in. And though everyone is entitled to their own 'type', and rarely is a love something that is mutual or always reciprocated, I can't help but to feel a bit hurt. So we're back at the dorm. Micks asleep as I lay here, attempting to nurse back my ego and any bit of self confidence - focusing hard on the important lesson that Pancho shared with us today in class. I need to stop feeding these emotions if I don't want them hanging around any longer....

I'm hoping to catch a class tomorrow AM...hopefully another dose of Panchos medicine will fix me up. I have one day left of being 23...I want to make sure that I start of 24 RIGHT: feeling fulfilled, loved and goddamn amazing. Man or no man.

Down Down Up, Up Down Up.

Down Down Up, Up Down Up. That's the strumming pattern that I'm teaching to Mick as part of his "Intro To Guitar" lessons. As would be expected, he's a natural. He takes direction well and is quick to pick up the little things that escapes most beginners. And as is HIS way- he's way too difficult on himself and doesn't give enough credit to himself when credit is due. I give him a week before he has a handle on it, a month before he nails it, and half a year before he starts a band of his own.

Sa Wat Dii Kha Chiang Mai!

Hello Chiang Mai!!! Mick and I are SO thankful to be out of busy, boozey Bangkok!! The 12 hour train ride wasn't as painful as I thought it was gonna be....we passed the time playing cards, chatting, snacking, and watching a movie. Our full car cleared out because the aircon was broken- but we stayed. The fans were working fine, it was plenty cool, and we both hate aircon anyways. First up: snacking on pastries we picked up @ the train station. Then a few heated matches of ShitHead, a Dutch card game! I was smoking Micks ass the first two rounds...bent out of shape about losing at his own game, he challenged me to another round. Cocky- I complied. He beat me. Okay, okay- go again! Damnit, he beat me again. Now we were tied. The final round JUST slipped through my fingertips, giving up the World Domination ShitHead title to the Dutchman. To ease the competitive tension, we threw on a movie - the animated movie Over The Hedge. It was super cute and it was nice to pass some time. Mick went to sleep shortly after the movie, and me- Miss Insomnia, opted for a book instead. I finished SHANTARAM, and I pray to god that there is a sequel coming out!!! There are so many more details that this nosey girl wants to know! Still not tired, I tossed and turned, eventually settling into the uncomfortable seats. I was in and out of sleep for a few hours, admiring (or shall I say envying) Micks deep sleep. He moved around to every available seat in the car, somewhere different each time I woke up. He said that he did this to keep his back from cramping. Ha. Arrived in Chiang Mai 30minutes early- hooray! Made our way to our guesthouse, which was still closed, and had some coffee next door. Let the Chiang Mai adventures begin.

Lazy Girls Luxury for Less.

I am lazy when it comes to beauty maintenance. To scrub, buff, polish, moisturize, shave...it is just too much for this gal. A few months before setting out for Asia I discovered the beauty of WAXING! Get this done once every 3 weeks and there is no need to ever use a razor again!! Hooray!! In the beginning I just waxed my bikini line, but once in Cambodia I started doing my underarms. Amazing. Everytime I shave my armpits they have 5oclock shadow about 30minutes later. Wax em and they are golden for weeks!! I went in today to get them done ($3) and figured that for $2 I would get my eyebrows done as well. They didn't seem too bad to me- but I'd never had them done, and I hadn't touched a pair of tweezers in atleast a month. Well goddamn! I look like a new woman! For $5 I got underarms and eyebrows, and was in the chair for a full half hour. This wasn't a wham, bam job....there was alot of TLC that went into it! Next addition to the wax card is my LEGS, cause lord knows that I don't shave them that often either. I followed up my wax sess with a Deeeelicious plate of fresh pad Thai. For $1 I got a sprin roll with some epic vegetarian pad Thai with egg. Yum!

I'm smiling from ear to ear now as I'm typing this up in the cab (on my way to the Indonesian Embassy), and I gotta admit- I have a really good life.