Sean.

I think that my Uncle Sean put it perfectly when at the end of my trip he said, "It has been so amazing becoming friends with you." To love someone as family is one thing, but to love someone in your family as a close friend is profound. I cannot find the words to express how much peace was brought to my heart by spending time with my Dads baby brother. I am content.

Fancy Meals and Fancy Friends.

momma and me.

andrew and tam.

I'm a simple gal, who loves fancy things. I appreciate a fancy, expensive meal- and some fancy, expensive champagne. Tonight we had a 10pm reservation at the swanky Diving Horse restaurant in Avalon. It's one of my favorite restaurants in the US. Two of the servers there, Lauren and Nate, have been my favorites since day 1, and I always appreciate their love and insight for the menu. After months of rice and curry, it felt good to get dressed up, throw on some heels and sip some fancy booze with my amazing friends...

Windy Days and Welker

me and my andrew.

clams on the half at mikes seafood.

andrew and his girlfriend tamrah.

family photo in front of carols custard sign. andy, me, mom.

tam and her "small" banana split

Yesterday I was exhausted. I was losing my voice, and my internal clock was all out of sorts. After teaching two classes I was excited to head home, soak in the tub, and relax. Just as the bathroom was warming up and the water was getting hot, my mom called me downstairs. She'd been acting weird all morning....telling me when to nap, advising me to hold off on lunch, and rushing me to get a shower. I figured it was just a bit of neurosis or excitement about me being back- but actually, it was all supporting my big SURPRISE...Andrew Welker!! Andy is like family to me- we have been great friends for about 10 years now, and my love for him runs deep. Anywho, he flew up for the weekend from Texas with his amazing girlfriend Tamra as a SURPRISE. Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! Unfortunately the weather here has been super cold, so we couldn't enjoy the beach, the bay or any of south jerseys fine outdoor activities. So...we have been eating and drinking and eating and drinking--- and laughing! So grateful for such a great surprise!

HAM on Thanksgiving...

This will be my first Thanksgiving without my Dad. I miss the shit outta him. I think of him all day, every day...when I'm happy, sad, busy, tired... -- always. And as sad as I am today, wishing that he was here, that sadness is trumped by overwhelming gratitude. You know that feeling, like when you're throat tightens and your heart feels like it's taking up your whole chest? It's truly overwhelming. I've cried a few times today, but the tears were because I just feel so grateful that the energy had to move somewhere, somehow. My life has been so bountiful, and every day I encounter and experience more beautiful moments than I can count. I have the most outstanding, fucking powerful and amazing friends and I'm not sure what I did to deserve them, but I thank the universe for them every day. Hugging them and loving them, telling them how much I appreciate them - it still doesn't seem to do justice to the love and respect that I hold in my heart for them. So THANK YOU to everyone that lifts me up...you've had a heavy load to help me carry this year with the loss of my Dad, and I couldn't have done it without you all. 

I'm grateful for Brookie and Lorraine, for our adventures and our friendship. I'm grateful for nights at the Dead Dog with Johnny DiGenni, and taco nights with Bill and Megan. I'm grateful for YOGA: for my practice, for my ability to teach and share, to the ZEN DEN which has become a home for me and has created a beautiful family for me, and I am grateful for Ari Green for loving me and believing in me, even on days when I didn't love or believe in myself. I'm grateful for Adam Green and his goofy text messages and emojicons, and his constant stoke. I'm grateful for my friend Rob, and his love and enthusiasm for my kitchen creations. I'm grateful for Meg McD and her pure love. I'm grateful for fucking Twilight, cause I love that shit: the books, the soundtracks, the movies. It's an odd addiction, which can't quite be explained, but goddamn it's good. I'm grateful for my Colorado adventures with my beautiful Coloradians Kelsea, Ryan and Emily. I'm grateful for my spiritual family in Encinitas: Gray, Breezie, Jak, Ev, Rachael, Nicole, Liz, Lauren.... it doesn't matter how much time passes, or how many miles separate us, their constant love is felt always. I'm grateful for Living Well...for Donny who has fixed my knee, to Crit Chris Sam and Ryan who have pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped me to realize how fucking powerful I really am. I'm grateful for the crazy CrossFitters that I've become friends with, who I've sweat with and complained with as we challenge our bodies and our minds. Through Living Well I've met Penny and Lou, who always fill me up with laughter. I'm grateful for Toni...who has fed my Mom, Dad and myself all summer...who has kept our wine rack full...and who has spoiled my Mom when my Mom wouldn't do so herself. I'm grateful for Joe and Lori King who have taken care of us before Dad passed, and continue to do so today, we couldn't do it without them and I don't think that they'll ever know how we much love them. I'm grateful for my best friend Julisa, who may live across the country but she's never too far because she lives in my heart. I'm grateful for Gina, for her love of cupcakes and bunnies, for her epic crafting and epic friendship. I'm grateful for our weekly Family Dinners with Brad and Ro...we have shared so many meals around the dinner table, so many laughs, and a fair bit of tears. I'm grateful for my cousin Tierney and her bootylicious backside -- she always knows how to make me laugh, and shes one of the few who got to experience the back bay with my Dad and me. I'm grateful for Adena and Erika and Pammy...my dance partners, my friends, my support, my drinking buddies - they always know what I need and they take me in all of my forms. I'm so very grateful for Chris Paisley who I love fiercely - he has been my rock since day one: he is the person that I can always turn to, no matter what. Chris holds space for my sadness, my anger, my drunkenness, my happiness and my fears...and he does so without judgement and never asks for anything in return. I'm grateful for my Mom, who has shown me what it means to truly be a partner. She has shown me devotion, love, patience and perseverance through lifes darkest moments. She is the strongest woman that I have ever met, a true warrior. I have never seen anyone love another the way that my Dad loved her, it was a beautiful thing to witness every day. And finally, I'm grateful for my Dad. He was the most important person in my world. He was the inspiration for everything I've done...everywhere that I've traveled, everything I've accomplished, everything I've experienced in this lifetime has been fueled by him and in devotion to him. Making him proud has made me happier than any human being could be. It's been quite an adjustment losing my best friend, but I still am inspired by him and aspire to enjoy EACH.AND.EVERY.DAY to it's height and it's depth. Thank you Dad for lighting this fire within me for adventure and for sucking down each and every drop of nectar of this beautiful life. 

Thanksgiving 2011.

Mom and Dad, Thanksgiving 2011.

Dad's famous "plate" photo hahaha. Thanksgiving 2011.

So with all of that gratitude expressed, I have one more thing to be grateful for: Thanksgiving Eve. Sometimes you need to just go out to dance it out and drink it out with good friends, and last night was that night. I drank my body weight in dirty martinis and shook my booty on the dance floor all night with my great friends Erika, Pam, Paisley and Brandon. I woke up in their guest bed this morning with my boots still on and laced up, and with a wicked headache. Erika and I stopped at Starbucks our way to get my car, and despite brushing my teeth 10x I tried to refrain from breathing...vodka was coming out of my pores and Erika and I both looked like we had been through the ringer. Coffees in hand, Erika turned to me and said sometimes you need to go "HAM". I responded with a "Huh?", and she said "HARD AS MOTHERFUCKERS". So cheers to going hard as motherfuckers on Thanksgiving Eve, cause it's just what I needed. Insanely hungover, cappuccino in hand, U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday " blaring through my speakers, I couldn't help but laugh as I drove home. HAM on Thanksgiving, overflowing with Gratitude....

Ham on thanksgiving.

Family Night Out.

Cissie, Me and Mom.

Me, Nana and Pat.

Barley!!

Had dinner tonight at the Crab Trap with a handful of the Callahans, including my Nana and PopPop (90 + 91 years old!). I was stoked to sit next to mom and Aunt Cissie, always a good time. We all toasted to Dad and said a little prayer that wherever he is that he's being taken good care of. Pat Levitt, our fabulous (inside and out - especially her shoes!) cousin is wealthy-to-boot and treated us all to an excellent supper. She jokes with Mrs.C (my nana), calling her "Mom" and saying that she's Nan's "11th child". We came right home after dinner because mom and I are babysitting Barley, the best dog evvvver. We are all cuddled up on the couch now and calling it a night. Today was a good day.

Had the iPod on shuffle and  Liars "The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack" was on...the lyrics reminded me of Dad...

I won't run far.
I won't run far.
I won't run far.

I can always be found.
I can always be found.

Ah...

If you need me,
If you need me,
If you need me,

I can always be found.
I can always be found.

Ah...

If you want me to stay,
If you want me to stay,
If you want me to stay,

I will stay by your side.
I will stay by your side.
I will stay by your side.

I won't run far.
I won't run far.
I won't run far.

I can always be found.
I will stay by your side,
And I want you to find me,
so I'll stay by your side.

Ah...

If you need me,
If you need me,
If you need me,

I can always be found.
I can always be found.
I can always be found.

Ah...

I won't run far.
I won't run far.
I won't run far.

I can always be found.
I can always be found.
I can always be found.

Obligations.

Everyone keeps telling me that "it gets easier", and "you'll miss him less each day", things of that nature. First of all, I appreciate everyone wanting to comfort me, but sometimes a *hug* says it best -- because it hasn't gotten easier...it's actually become much more painful with each day. And I miss him more every minute, every hour a new depth to this emptiness that I didn't know could exist...which is okay, because I don't want there to ever be a day when I don't miss him. This all gets more real and more permanent as time passes. I don't know if it's because people have noticed lately that I'm particularly sad, or if people feel comfortable to finally approach me, and I know that everyone is coming from a place of kindness and sincerity - but please, keep your m*f'ing condolences to yourself and just give me a real, geniuine hug, because that will make me feel better. Martha Stanwood said it best, "Cailin, the pain is never going to go away - or become any less - but it'll evolve into something that you are able to live with. You'll miss him always."

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

This photo was taken by a friend on Sumner Avenue in Strathmere. Two deer, on our beach, waves in the background and stripers swimming around under the sea. Since I was a kid this was where I spent most of my time with my Dad. This is the street where he taught me how to surf. This is the street where he taught me to throw a seine net for bait fish. This is the street where we caught fish off the jetty (back before all this "beach replinshment" covered it up). I have millions of memories with my Dad, and some of the best ones happened here. One of the only times that we had fun apart was when he was in the woods, in a tree stand, deer hunting. Well goddamn goddamn....if this scenario isn't a sign from him than I don't know what is!?

"so I will always lean my heart
as close to your soul
as I can."

~Hafiz~

Food with Friends.

Brad and Ro's porch...

A little bit of Veuve to toast to Dad. 

Ros' fathers pickled jalapeno peppers....unfuckingbelievablydelicious. 

Picking crabs with mom and ro.

Crabs and Spagg. 

Had an epic meal at Brad and Ro's last night. We picked steamed crabs and drank beers, toasted Veuve to Dad, and then had crabs and spaghetti. It was good to get mom out of the house and enjoy a beautiful night bay-side with our good friends.

If You Have to Pee...PEE.

I told my friend Kate the other day that I just wanted to cry, all day. And she said "Well, if you have to pee...pee." And so I cried....


There are many waves to grieve, and there are many stages to the process of grieving. I have been told that I need to:

• Dance.
• Laugh.
• Drink.
• Cry.
• Sleep.

This, people have said, is the cure for a broken heart. 

Well....Saturday night just about summed it up. High heels and whiskey with friends at the Heritage Party @ the Deauville in Strathmere is where it all began. If there is any possibility of dancing, you are damn sure that I'll be dancing (thank you Mom, I got this from you. And my Dad was always known to tear up the dance floor too). I was told that some people thought that I was "wild" and "crazy", but I don't give a fuck. I can't sit in a chair because people are too insecure to bust a move, and anyone who judges someone having fun is doing so because they don't.know.how. I laughed my ass off all night. And I drank. Sipping whiskey and a club soda. Later moving to beer. I cooled it down once we got to the Dead Dog in Sea Isle. I was tapped out and ready to just kick it with friends. My feet hurt from dancing, my head was a touch cloudy with whiskey and the smile on my face couldn't have gotten any bigger if I'd tried. We listened to the girl strum away on stage and ate and laughed. Towards the end of the night everything became a downward spiral. There was a domestic abuse incident outside, there was drama with the drunks inside, so I just posted up and tried to wrap my head around the good night gone bad. What is it about a great night that makes people angry? I'll never understand. Out of no where, completely unprovoked, I was verbally assaulted by one of the 'surfer bro bros' that was out. He came at me spouting off about me being retarded and making pretty fucked up digs about my 'dead dad'. Completely in shock and caught off guard I just sat there and cried as he continued with his unprovoked profanities. Eventually my cousin Jenny came out to smoke a cigg and when she heard what he was saying she freaked out. Megan heard it all and came out to hold me as I just sat there crying (pitiful, I know. I shoulda knocked him out...but my arms hurt too bad from CrossFit). Jenny literally chased him off as he CONTINUED to shout at me. Megan carried me home as I cried and snotted and dry-heaved. I must have said a thousand times "I'm just so sad, I'm just so sad". And so we got home, she cuddled me on the couch and rocked me to sleep as I cried and cried. I got very little sleep that night seeing as that I had to teach yoga the next day, my eyes swollen shut from the previous-nights cryfest.

Well I went to sleep last night at 8pm and didn't get up til 9:30 this morning, and if there weren't waves then I would still be in bed. I feel like I could sleep for an eternity. 

Osho says that the people we hold closest to us are actually, physically a part of us. So when that person dies, a part of you dies. So not only are you mourning the loss of that person, but you are actually mourning for yourself - because a part of YOU has died. There have been times in my life that I feel like my Dad filled all of me. He was the inspiration for my wanderlust, he was my anchor to my family, he was the fuel for my fun, and my best friend. Osho says that eventually the pain will pass, but that space where he lived will always be empty. As time passes that space will be filled up with the love and presence of others, but it will never quite be the same. 

So....if you see me dancing, laughing, drinking, or crying ... either join me or get outta my way. Because grieving the loss of someone SO GREAT is going to take a long time...a lot of dance parties, a lot of laughing, a bunch of booze, and boxes of tissues. Thanks to everyone who was a part of the good times the other night. 

Shake it Out. Shake it Out.

Life Celebration Pt.4

Loving and missing Dad.

This found Brooke and John at the store right after the services. Holy shit.

Very little sleep and then I had to teach yoga. Brooke came this morning and had this wall hanging for me. After the luncheon yesterday her and Johnny walked to the antique store across the street to grab his sister a gift for her birthday. This literally FELL off the shelf and when they picked it up it was the Winnie the Pooh quote I posted the day that my Dad died. Obviously Dad wanted for me to have this. Thanks John and Brooke, I'm glad that it found you :)

Life Celebration Pt.3

Mom and Katie.

TA telling hysterical stories about Dad back in college.

Richard Schad chiming in on the details of the college days...

Andrew Welker, the power hooker.

At this point I'm not even sure WHAT the fuck was happening.

And the wine kept flowing and the stories kept coming.

Life Celebration Pt.2

Kill em and eat em.

Story time.

And so the laughter and celebration continued.

Life Celebration Pt.1

Uncle Sean (#10 of the 10 Callahan kids) had everyone holding their sides because they were laughing so hard.

Katie and Mom having a laugh.

My two New Yorkers came down to honor dad.

Gina and Me.

And then we got home and shit got crazy. Food and laughter and LOTS of booze.

Yesterday was Dads service, and what a beautiful day it was. We were shitting ourselves the night before because the forecasts were calling for rain and high winds...and our venue was outside. The Whitebrier was the perfect place...it's where my mom worked back in the day when she met my Dad. So once again, the heavens above blessed us with a beautiful day to celebrate my Dad's life. It was a packed house, filled with family, friends and even some who have never met Dad but wanted to be there to celebrate his life. We told stories and laughed and cried and laughed and cried...it was exactly the way that Dad would have wanted it. I wrote an outline for my speech, and I rambled for a long time around the subject, but I'll just include the backbone of the speech.

(It started out with me approaching the mic saying "I'm powerful and amazing" several times to fight back the tears and deliver this speech for my Dad):

My Dad taught me how to Live, like REALLY live. From the time that I was a little kid, and even through his death - he has given me a passion for life that is so strong, so intense, so vibrant. Sometimes I feel stressed because there aren't enough minutes in my day, days in my week, or weeks in my year to do all that I want to do. I want to taste everything, and see everything, and experience everything. This passion was a gift from my Dad. 

You all may know him as a loud, crazy man -- KILL EM AND EAT EM -- I GOT IT!! -- LEFT RIGHT!! but my Dad was also a wise, kind man who always knew just what to say. No question was too stupid, no emotion too silly. And even in this time of sadness I'm comforted by a conversation that we once had years back, he said...

"Cailin, life is like a river. It is going to bend right and left, and some days it is going to rage with water and at times it's going to run dry. YOU CAN'T CONTROL THE RIVER. You can only control how you handle yourself and how you respond to that, and that makes you who.you.are."

Well this fucking river has taken me down a turn that I don't like, and now it has run dry. And some days this sadness seems so great and so dark that I might lose myself in it completely. But then I remember our conversation and I know that I'm going to be okay. We are All going to be okay. Because my Dad taught us ALL how to life. And through his passing he reminds us that:

• each day is a blessing
• each breath is a miracle
• every relationship is to be cherished
• never underestimate the power of friendship
• and that an ice cold beer can turn any day around. 

Osho says "Be a drunkard, drunk with life, with the wine of existence. Don't remain sober. The sober person remains dead. Drink the wine of life. It has SO much poetry, and SO much love, and SO much juice.   I tell you you are born and you will certainly die, but something in you was before your birth and something is there which will remain after your death. And that something is life. Life is eternal."

My dad may be gone, but he lives on in all of us today, and for all the days to come. He was so beautiful, and so bright and so fucking vibrant -- and a Life like that doesn't just disappear, it can't. So try not to be sad, but to celebrate his life by living each day of yours to its height and depth. 

God bless ya Dad. I love you. 



After the beautiful service we headed to the Abbey for a luncheon, where Jim and Christian Mahr played music and we ate, drank, laughed and remembered Dad through stories and photos.

Captain Callahan

Our good friend Iggy keeps an amazing blog, After Hours With Iggy. He is a chef and avid fisherman, as well as a man who loves his cocktails -  and he is always posting great stories and recipes. Yesterday he wrote a blog about my Dad, and he really hits the nail on the head.....

He writes:

This has been a year of loss for me, and many in South Jersey.  This past weekend, one of the more large than life characters I have had the pleasure of knowing has passed.  His name was Paul Callahan and he was known and loved by many.  There are so many stories running around in my head, and so many things to say, but for once, Paul has got me, I just cannot put into words what his passing means to me.  If ever there was somebody I thought was going to outlive us all, if there was someone I would have voted for that was going to enjoy their retirement more than anyone, it was this guy.  He hunted and fished for a hobby, and grew up on commercial fishing boats, so he knew a thing or two about those two subjects.  His most famous saying was “Kill em and eat em” .  Let me tell you, to a chef, those words were music to my ears when he and his wife Doreen would throw parties at their house.  He did everything South Jersey style (hunt fish, surf,ect) but with more flair and working knowledge than anyone else, and don’t try to tell him different.  Not enough birds to shoot on a hunting trip.  No problem, I’ll raise them and then let them loose into the wild and then go hunt them.  No waves today because of the way they are breaking out on the tip of the Jetty?  No problem, I’ll just row my kayak out there and take advantage of the Striped Bass feeding out there.  Want fresh pig for the parties, I know how to raise, kill, butcher and cook them better than those services that come and  bury them in your yard.

This is an attitude that I can get behind.  Why rely on others when you can so it yourself, and do it better.  One of the reasons I became a minister.  When old Paul there found that out (his daughter, 15 at the time, told him she wanted me to marry her.  She meant do the ceremony, but let me tell you, I had a lot of fun with that one at Paul’s expense for awhile) he took to calling me the Anti Christ.  Little did he know that his wife would enlist me to renew their vows two years ago.

I can still remember the day I went over Doreen’s and Paul’s house and was told that a tumor was found in his head.  He had whacked himself with a surfboard and some wax had gotten lodged into the wound and gotten infected.  When they x-rayed his head to find out what was up, they found that ugly fucker in there as well.  No one I knew other than the Callahan’s even entertained the thought that it could have been serious.  And at the time, it was not, it was benign, but they wanted to keep an eye on it.  Well long story short, eventually it wasn’t benign.  Doreen said it best, he wasn’t dying form it, he was living with it, and live with it he did.  He did everything to the fullest until he couldn’t, and that is the way Paul Callahan rolls, and we should all take a big lesson from that.

So what do I say to remember him by?  That his parties were awesome, they were.  That he could surf like a champ?  Anyone who says that South Jersey doesn’t get any waves never saw Paul charge Hurricane surf in Cape May.  That he was a great hunter?  Look on his facebook page to see all the deer.  I will always remember the day we were in a surf contest and he was waxing “STAND HERE” on the nose of his board.  With three fishing sharpies gone this year (Bill Nickerson, Doc Adams, and now Paul) the fish population should skyrocket in Jersey, let me tell you.

So what to do to toast the man the myth the legend?  A drink called the old salt?  Well, unfortunately Capt. Paul left us far before he could get old, so not that one.  I am going to have to say the HERO COCKTAIL.  Why? Well because anyone who did anything dangerous first on our beach was called the “hero” and Paul go that title a lot.

THE HERO

1/3 oz coconut rum

1/3 oz peach schnapps

1/3 oz triple sec

1 splash of grenadine

1 cup of pineapple juice

Layer in a tall zombie style glass filled with ice and top with pineapple juice.  Stir, drink until you kill em and eat em.

Soaking up the Sunshine.

My friends know that "cailins" are a way to bring a smile to my face...

Yesterday Mom. Meg McD, Bridget, Megan Albrecht and I enjoying some sunshine, some cocktails and some quality time together. We decided to have his service at the Whitebrier and we were just testing out the venue. 

Sumner Avenue Love. 

Mikes Seafood. Save A Chicken, Eat *Fried Clams*.

I started off my morning cuddling in bed with my Mom. Then I headed out for my first yoga class in a long time. It felt great to be a student and to practice alongside some very special people, under the guidance of my love, Ari. After class I met friends on Sumner Avenue, my family's beach in Strathmere. The beach was desolate, the waves were small, and the sunshine was bright. It was the most beautiful day and I was grateful for all that came my way. We drank some cold beers (thanks Bridget), practiced inversions in the sand, caught some fun little waves in the line up, and played with the dogs (Paisley, Bailey, Murphy, and Barley) all day long. Sunburned, buzzed, and completely happy - we headed to Mike's Seafood, me and my Dads favorite restaurant, for some food. All the guys there were so sad, offering up kind words, hugs and fried clams. We laughed and reminisced, we drank and ate. Life is good and I am grateful for the days bounty. Love you Dad. 

Beautiful Day.

My cousin Jenny, one of the many people who dedicated their surf yesterday to my Dad. You can't help but to feel connected to his spirit when you are in the water.

Ceceila came to sit at our beach, with my Dad's summer favorite : Fried Chicken and Corona , to reminisce about what a great man he was. 

Sumner Ave Love. 

"The Captain grew tired and let go the sails, 

stayed the winch and oiled the rails, 

looked to the east and let the ship go

The Son of Neptune, in the morning tide's flow

must leave us now...and we must let him go."

My Aunt Kate (one of Dad's SEVEN sisters) wrote this and posted it on facebook yesterday. It really was touching and I wanted to share it with you all. They called my Dad the Son of Neptune, and my mom had even had it inscribed on his wedding ring. Back to the sea he goes...

Rochelle, keeping us well fed with her delicious meals. Food is the way to our heart, and thank you Rochelle (And Karen and Bill Barlow) for the delicious, nutritious meals that have been sent our way. 

Mom and I woke in the morning and weren't quite sure what to do with ourselves. Usually I would make his juice and get his breakfast ready while Mom would give him a shower and get him dressed. So we came downstairs and enjoyed the silence for a bit (we had quite the packed house at 2 oclock in the morning). We cooked up a bunch of bacon in Dad's honor and had a huge breakfast. And then the friends started coming, which we needed.  My mom needs to stay busy, so she was shocking the pool, covering the pool, cleaning the hot tub, moving outside furniture and chopping down our cherry tree. She was giving out orders to Dad's friends, who were also happy for the busy work. Everyone channels their sadness differently, and mine is certainly NOT through doing chores (sorry Mom). I walked three circles around the house, crying my eyes out, before I threw my board in the car and said goodbye - headed for the beach. The water is somewhere that I have always shared with my Dad. Whether it was fishing, clamming, crabbing, tubing, surfing, minnowing, or just enjoying - salt water is our thing. I paddled out and was grateful that there was no one in the lineup that I knew....I had only slept a little over an hour, and my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I took it all in, working on one of the nature meditations that I read in an Osho book. I took in the smell of the salty ocean, the crisp clean scent of the cool breeze, I felt the sun beating down on my face and warming my whole body and I felt the warmth of the water on my skin. And as sad as I had been, and as sad as I wanted to be - I could only feel happiness and extreme gratitude. Gratitude to have been able to love such an amazing person, and to be loved in return. Gratitude to have been able to learn from him and to be shaped by him - he is so much a part of me, and in the water I really felt that. My cousin Jenny paddled out after a bit, her eyes just as swollen - and we hugged and laughed and shouted "LEFT RIGHT", and all those other ridiculous things my Dad would shout when he was in the line up. Our sadness transformed to laughter, and I knew that everything was going to be okay. Thank you Dad for the most beautiful Day, the most perfect waves, and for the eternal, all-encompassing, forever-kinda-love.