Death and Dying...and LIVING.

And this is why I love Jess....

As I said in the previous blog, been having a bit of a sad time the past two days. Recently I have been able to think about Dad and be happy...to truly feel love and happiness, and to count the days and years that we had as a blessing, instead of being sad about the days and years that we will miss out on in the future. Something shifted the other day though and I just can't help but to have a heavy heart....

Jess had mentioned before that she'd picked me up a gift in Arambol during the training, and was waiting for the right time to give it to me. Well, when I was walking out the door today headed into the taxi, she handed me "The Tibetan Book of Living & Dying"....

During the taxi ride to the airport I contemplated the past few days, my friendship with Jess, my parents...all of the people whom i love and who love me, and all of the out-freaking-standing-fun times that I've had in this short life. Made my way through the Indian-airport-madness and then settled into my seat by gate 2C with a cup of tea and my new book, with Alt-J pulsing through my headphones (new favorite band, thanks to Mabons dad, Ed). GAH. Two seconds into the book (and into Alt-Js powerful tunes), I had tears streaming down my face. Silent, steady stream. Sogyal Rinpoche has written a "gentle, humane and eloquent guide"....and I recommend that EVERYONE go out and get a copy, not Now- but Right Now. When asked what he had hoped to achieve with the publication of this book, he said :

"I want every human being not to be afraid of death, or of life. I want every human being to die at peace, and surrounded by the wisest, clearest, and most tender care, and to find the ultimate happiness that can only come from an understanding of the nature of mind and of reality....

...To learn how to die is to learn how to live; to learn how to live is to learn how to act not only in this life, but in the lives to come. To transform yourself truly and learn how to be reborn as a transformed being to help others is really to help the world in the most powerful way of all....

...Imagine how things would be if we could live our lives infusing them with a sacred meaning: if we looked on life and death themselves as an inseparable whole. What would be the effect of seeking to make love and compassion the measure of our every action, and of understanding, to any degree, the inmost nature of the mind that underlies our entire existence?

His Holines the Dalai Lama begins the book by saying :

"Death is a natural part of life, which we all surely have to face sooner or later. To my mind, there are two ways we can deal with it while we are alive. We can either choose to ignore it or we can confront the prospect of our own death and, by thinking clearly about it, try to minimize the suffering that it can bring. However, in neither of these ways can we actually overcome it. 

If we wish to die well, we must learn how to live well: Hoping for a peaceful death, we must cultivate peace in our mind, and in our way of life."

So now, on the plane, flying over the huge country of India- I have some peace back in my heart when I think about Dad. Because I feel like he lived his life well, which is why he died well and peaceful, without regret. And I feel good about the love, care and community that surrounded him in his final days.

I'll leave you with one last snippit from Sogyal Rinpoche: "Whatever we have done with our lives makes us what we are when we die. And everything, absolutely everything, counts".

Cailin Callahan

www.cailincallahan.blogspot.com

Leaving on a Jet Plane

So much of this trip is about an inward journey, which is why I choose to head north to Dharamsala instead of sticking round here in south goa. It is sunny and beautiful here but I am in need of stillness, silence and of surrender. I am so grateful for my time spent here, and I'm especially grateful for the love, hospitality and friendship that has been showered upon me by Jess. 

I'm more than half way through my "week of Ahimsa", and have found that the path of non-violence is becoming easier with each passing moment. There was one night that I felt irritated by a woman in our circle, but once I brought some awareness into the thoughts ("why am I feeling this way towards her?"), I realized that my negative emotions were a reflection of my own bullshit. I noticed that whenever I feel threatened by a strong, know-it-all woman (or man, but more often than not its women) that I put up a defense and close them out. What I recognized most these past few days though was my violent thoughts that were directed to myself. My body, my slow spiritual growth, my lack of patience and self confidence...which is made worse by the negativity and pressure that I put upon myself. When I recognized these thoughts coming up, I didn't punish myself or force a positive mantra on myself- I just closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths until the emotions and thoughts passed. I am not this body, I am not my emotions, I am not my thoughts....surrendering the ego. After just two days of that mindfulness, I've found less and less negative thoughts- and now more relaxation and peace within myself. 

The whole being vegan thing was a bit of a bust. Ordering "soy" masala chai's is a luxury that is both expensive and only available in touristy restaurants (which I don't frequent except for the rare splurge here and there). So whenever I was at one of my local spots, I had masala chai (which is made with cows milk). Almost every Indian dish has ghee in it (clarified butter), and I broke down once and enjoyed and insanely delicious, definitely-not-vegan egg curry. But on a positive note, no animal died for my meal this week- no fish, no poultry, so that'll have to do. I also found myself using heaps of honey, which some argue for and against as being vegan. I've been absorbed in my book Prakriti : Your Ayurvedic Constitution, which claims that ghee, honey and milk alone will support a long and healthy life- so I decided that honey falls under "vegan-friendly". 

"So my bags are packed, I'm ready to go"...leaving for Dharamsala tomorrow....4 hours worth of flights, 12 hour train ride, 4 hour bus ride and then 20minute taxi. I'm preparing myself for a meltdown, because they seem to come every time I transition from one place to the next. And that's okay, at least now I'm not caught off guard and can be a bit prepared. And that reminds me of a song that I sang for my dad...I even wrote it in one of the cards id made for him...

"I'm leaving on a jet plane

Don't know when I'll be back again

Oh babe, I hate to go. 

Every place I go,

I'll think of you

Every song I sing, 

I'll sing for you..."

Been having a rough two days, missing him a lot. But last night as I jammed with all of the musicians here in town, I sang every song for him. And as I strolled the beach this morning, I strolled with him in my heart. And for now, that'll do...

Cailin Callahan

www.cailincallahan.blogspot.com

Patnem: Working and Living in Paradise

I have taught two yoga classes at the shala at the end of the street. It is breathtakingly beautiful -- right on a rocky cove, looking out to the sea, with the sound of the waves lapping against the wall. For the first time ever I am enjoying teaching classes *without music* because it's simply unnecessary. You get 300rs for the first person that comes, 600 if two come, and 1,000 if 3 or more come. Because its the slow season and theres not really more than 3 or 4 to a class, the Laguna Vista isn't making much of a profit -- but during the high season when the shala is full, they make great money. After class there is hot masala chai waiting for the teacher and the students in the beautiful outdoor lounge area. While sipping chai with one of my students, Larissa, the other day - massage came up. She says, "Oye! Massage? Are you free to give one tomorrow?". Now, I hadn't planned to work while traveling, but I agreed - because it had been a while since I'd done any body work, and simply put, Larissa is a super kind person and saying 'no' to her just didn't feel right. As I was leaving after a great class, a delicious chai, some wonderful conversation and now some work under my belt - the owners of Laguna asked if I could play music at the restaurant that night! Boom. So I played some tunes for my supper - enjoying some of their delectable (and a bit out-of-my-budget) food, sipped a beer, and hung out with my friends....

As I was walking home from yoga yesterday with my guitar slung over my shoulder, I heard a whistle come from inside a restaurant. You'll hear lots of whistles as a young, foreign female in this country - so I continued walking. I heard the whistle again, and then an "OYE!". I turned and a gentleman shouted "What kind of instrument is THAT that you've got?!". Well, I ended up sitting down and playing a few tunes with this Brit, and he treated me to an icey cold beverage in return. The restaurant that he runs has been dead - all day, every day, so when he told me that the jam later that night was the "happening" thing in town, I thought that he was full of shit. As the day went on I read my book, enjoyed some beach time with Jess and Mabon, taught a sunset Yin class, had a bite to eat - and then figured that it wouldn't hurt to do a walk-by of the "happenin' music night". Well, don't ya know it - the place had a few people in it....and as the night when on the restaurant continued to fill up, with guitar player after guitar player joining in - each better than the one before. The level of talent in that little shit bar here in India blew my mind, and continues to as a re-live it typing this blog. Seriously mind-blowing talent. Despite having been up since 4:45am, I sipped hot tea, hot tea, and more hot tea - and played music til 1:30 in the morning!!!! I'm struggling now with whether or not to leave - because last night I was "booked" for a few gigs a week if I wanted them....some are paid, some are free food and drinks, and some are both. I'm unsure of what to do - because they also need a yoga instructor at Laguna for atleast one class a day. With India being so cheap I could surely be making enough to sustain a good time here -- but for some odd reason, the ice-cold silent-meditation center Tushita in Dharamsala is calling my name. I have a flight tomorrow afternoon, and I really think that I won't be making any firm decision until right before I have to call the taxi. It's nice to be in the sunshine, around fun people, making music and doing yoga. But India was dedicated to my spiritual growth, and though the training that I did was intense and the exact opposite of "lounging and playing" like I'm doing now, I felt myself get deeper into who I am as a human being than I ever would sitting on the beach in paradise. The Dilemma: SELF LOVE vs SELF DEVELOPMENT.....

Going to have breakfast now at the local Chai Shop with Jessica, then some self-practice yoga this afternoon, and some music tonight with my new friends....working and living in Paradise aint so bad....

Mommy and Mabon

So by now you all know that my friend Jess is a goddess. Living with her and seeing her daily interactions, I am in awe again and again of how she juggles being a mother, being a human being who takes care of herself and her needs (spiritual, physical and emotional), and who remains one of the most conscious, aware and present people that I've ever met.  I have had many deep conversations with her these past few weeks, and often times she hasn't sugar coated her response, and once she'd been so honest and straightforward that at first it came out harsh. But Jess is always moving from a place of love, so it quickly was digested as just another bit of amazing insight that'll help towards my growth as a conscious, loving human being.

Being around a child these past few days has always brought me back to reality about the romantic idea of having children. It is FULL ON, all day -every day, and Jess does it with grace but also an honesty and humility that motherhood is just as challenging as it is rewarding. The other day...

Mabon (who is 5 years old) was feeling a bit cranky and all over the place. He was in the kitchen with Jess and he grabbed a knife to cut into the carton of coconut milk she'd just bought at the store. Back home I imagine most people grabbing the knife out of the childs hand, scolding him, and then the child being upset. Jess said "Mabon, let me show you a better way...". She continued to demonstrate and explain to him *why* it was dangerous to hold the knife in the way that he was holding it, and then explained the better way to slice the box open. She gave him a pair of scissors and allowed him to move through it as she explained alongside. She had him flip up the corners of the carton, push the milk down towards the bottom of the container, pinch the edge, and cut with scissors - all the while explaining *why* you would do each one of those steps. In the end, Mabon didn't cut himself - he learned why it's dangerous to hold a knife in a compromising way, and now he knows how to open cartons safely and confidently.

That's just a small example...but I see moments like this again and again, and I always think to myself "Wow. Wow.  Hmmm...how would I have responded?", and honestly - tired and run down from a childs tantrems, I would probably surrender, take the knife out of his hand and just do it myself. Note to Self: definitely wait a few more years before having kids. Additional Note to Self: read Jessicas mommy blog as homework before reproducing....

http://www.soulcocoon.blogspot.in/

Whether you have a child or not, give a second to peek at Jess's blog. Also, I went to her first class yesterday at the local yoga shala here in town and she taught the most brilliant, heartfelt flow. I'll be posting a link to her (upcoming) yoga website.....

Yamas + Niyamas, Week by Week....

The Yamas and Niyamas are the foundation and backbone of yoga....and I am for them to give structure and balance to my life. When we discussed them in lectures, Rory challenged us to embody each one of the yamas and niyamas for a full week, focusing just on the one we selected. Now as I prepare for my 500hr training that I'm doing mid-March (there are lots of "pre-assignments" and homework), we have been asked to live a Yama or Niyama for four weeks (different one each week) that inspires us or challenges us. Well, I'm combining both tasks and I'm just going to do a 10 week exploration, starting at the top and working my way through.

YAMAS:
Ahimsa - nonviolence
Satya - truth
Asteya - nonstealing
Brahmacharya - conserving the primordial energy
Aparigraha - nonattachment

NIYAMAS:
Saucha - purity
Santosa - equanimity
Tapas - the practice of austerities that dissolve limitation
Svadhyaya - selfstudy
Ishvara Pranidahah - surrend to God.



So, I invite you to join me on week one as I (we) embody the Yama, AHIMSA.... beginning Februrary 7th up until the 14th.

AHIMSA:
Non-Harming, Non-Violence, Sensitivity

Through sensitivity and awareness we begin to recognize that there is no such thing as "isolated action".

"When non-violence in speech, thought and action is established, one's aggressive nature is relinquished and others abandon hostility in one's presence."

Practice AHIMSA by...
-Noticing, what is your internal dialogue? Are you being kind or critical (to yourself and to others)?
-Love Yourself.
-Become intuitive with your body and it's needs.
-Eating a vegan diet for the week
-Observe yourself in interaction with others, noticing your thoughts and intentions

There is a famous story about ahimsa told in the Vedas, the vast collection of ancient philosophical teachings from India. A certain sadhu, or wandering monk, would make a yearly circuit of villages in order to teach. One day as he entered a village he saw a large and menacing snake who was terrorizing the people. The sadhu spoke to the snake and taught him about ahimsa. The following year when the sadhu made his visit to the village, he again saw the snake. How changed he was. This once magnificent creature was skinny and bruised. The sadhu asked the snake what had happened. He replied that he had taken the teaching of ahimsa to heart and had stopped terrorizing the village. But because he was no longer menacing, the children now threw rocks and taunted him, and he was afraid to leave his hiding place to hunt. The sadhu shook his head. "I did advise against violence," he said to the snake, "but I never told you not to hiss."

Protecting ourselves and others does not violate ahimsa. Practicing ahimsa means we take responsibility for our own harmful behavior and attempt to stop the harm caused by others. Being neutral is not the point. Practicing true ahimsa springs from the clear intention to act with clarity and love.

Beach Yoga with Friends.

Hidden Beach Day

After yoga and chai, we all headed to a secluded beach about 30minutes away. David, Jess's friend who spends a few months a year here, helped to build a small eco-resort on this beach and he assured us that it was paradise. Well, he didn't let us down!! It was just our crew on the beautiful beach: Trent and his wife Teagan, Jess and Mabon and Mabons father Ed, as well as another Tribe-student James, and myself. Thankfully David called ahead hours early and the little hut prepared a local thali for us. We sunned and chatted and crawled through caves and did yoga. So blessed. 

Teacher Trent...

Yesterday I started my morning with vamana dhauti, neti, and then a 5am candlelight meditation on Jess's porch...which lasted two full hours (moving into Yin and pranayama), and then we headed down to Laguna Vista to take a 90minute Ashtanga class, led by our fellow friend and classmate, TRENT! We were all so proud of him, and we were super excited to practice yoga in such a beautiful shala, which was right on the water. After class was a complimentary chai! Such a beautiful way to start off the day. 

Patnem.

So I'm all moved in at Jessicas house in Patnem. It is quieter, cleaner, and HEAPS better than Arambol. I wish that the training had been here!! The beaches are beautiful and the locals are lovely. So grateful to be in a house, with a family...falling into a comfortable routine already...

Lessons in Local Eats

Laurie and I have been loving the local eats at a place called YoYo's in town. Bogey started joining us and agrees that it's the best meal to be had round these (touristy) parts. The last time we were there I asked Gumbo (our waiter) if the kitchen wouldn't mind giving us a lesson on how to make our favorite dishes. We set a date, Sunday at 4pm, for a lesson on how to make Malai Kofta, Paneer Tikka Masala, Aloo Gobi and Dum Aloo Palak.

The guys were ready for us when we arrived, and we sat at the table for about an hour just learning the prep for the base of most Indian meals. Then we went through each recipe before going into the kitchen and cooking each dish. They didn't charge us anything for the incredible lesson, and the food (which fed 3 of us, along with an ice cold beer) cost 500rs (less than $10usd). Definitely one of the best afternoons we have had in India! Recipes will be posted this week....

Sound Healing Journey

Last night Bogey and I enjoyed an awesome sound healing journey with Sequioa and Marina at a gorgeous holistic center just outside of town. I'm still feeling blissed out.....

You Are A Seed, Or A Flower....

Millions of people have decided to remain seeds. Why? When they can become flowers and can also dance in the wind the sun and the moon, why have they decided to remain seeds? There is something in their decision: the seed is more secure than the flower. The flower is fragile. The seed is not fragile, the seed looks stronger. The flower can be destroyed very easily; just a strong wind and the petals will blow away. The seed cannot be destroyed so easily by the wind, the seed is very protected, secure. The flower is exposed - such a delicate thing, and exposed to so many hazards: a strong wind may come, it may rain cats and dogs, the sun may be too hot, some foolish man may pluck the flower. Anything can happen to the flower, everything can happen to the flower, the flower is constantly in danger. But the seed is safe; hence, millions of people decide to remain seeds. But to remain a seed is to remain dead, to remain a seed is to not live at all. It is secure, certainly, but it has no life. Death is secure, life is insecurity. One who really wants to live has to live in danger, in constant danger. One who wants to reach the peaks has to take the risk of getting lost. One who wants to climb the highest peaks has to take the risk of falling somewhere, slipping down.

Osho "The Book of Woman"


Sent from my iPad

From the Shala to Shopping...

From the yoga Shala in Arambol to the busy night market in Anjuna for shopping...one extreme to another. I spent $300, which is a lot of money, but I bought a TON of beautiful hand crafted goodies...none of the cheap Indian threads or touristy junk. The dresses that I bought would sell for $300 a piece in the states, so all in all I feel good about what I bought. To top it off I enjoyed an ice cold miller high life and some deeeelicious Indian cheesecake. Good times ;)

Singing from the Heart.

I never thought I'd be a fan of Kirtan, Bhakti, devotional singing...but it turns out that this is a powerful path for me. Yesterday when we were in a circle at graduation, we went around and each said what we had to say. I said a bit and then strummed and sang Desrees "You Gotta Be", because really the biggest lesson learned is that LOVE WILL SAVE THE DAY. I have been surrounded with love, showered with love, been received with love, and felt more love in this course than I thought it was possible to have. My heart has doubled in size, and much of that space I owe to the grief and the sorrow...which has created more room for the Joy. When I sing and chant ("Japa"), I can feel my heart expanding and love just bursting out of my chest. Yesterday while everyone was collecting their certificates and I was singing "May The Long Time Sun...", I almost spontaneously combusted with love. I realized that it has been a LONG time since I sang because I wanted to sing. If I haven't had a paying gig, then I haven't picked up the guitar. I haven't written any songs and I certainly haven't done any chanting. Yesterday when I was singing, I felt myself *healing*. Fittingly, the oracle card that I picked after the ceremony was the "Humpback Whale" : "music is essential to your healing and your well-being, whether singing, playing an instrument, or listening."

The oracle card (reading from the booklet) continues....

"In order to diagnose their patients, one of the questions that shamans often asked was when the patient stopped singing. If it had been quite some time, the shaman was certain to recommend singing as an essential part of recovery. All that's involved when you sing- the fullness and rhythm of your breathing, the opening of your mouth and jaw, and the soulful and creative expression of your spirit- serves to enhance your health and raise your vibrations. 

Similarly, playing an instrument can touch those inner creative depths that yearn to be expressed through song. Simply listening with your full attention to your favorite tune or melody can also inspire and heal. Sing, chant or play an instrument! Let the magical child inside help you rediscover the joy of creating music. 

Associations: singing, breathwork, sound healing, sensitivity, ancestral wisdom, inner depths, insight, healing. "

Chanting may feel odd at first, but that's just because its new. So I invite you to step a bit out of your comfort zone and chant a bit this week. Make a commitment to start and end each day with just a few minutes of chanting. 

AHEM PREMA (a-hem pray-ma) means "I am divine love". This is a tough one for me, and since I'm working on loving myself (because its only through loving yourself that you can give love to others) this is a great chant. Just inhaling and then exhaling and singing out Ahem Prema. Do it again and again and again, meditating on your heart center, truly feeling that YOU are divine love. If chanting something in Sanskrit is too much, maybe you just focus on saying to yourself "I am love", because once you are love, you are surrounded by love. 

The mantra I have been chanting is the Gayatri mantra, which is the mostly widely chant mantra in India. There are several variations of the translation that are all along the lines of :

"We meditate on the adorable glory of the radiant sun; may he inspire our intelligence."

In class we talked about how this mantra is in worship of the life-giving Sun, and that it's about bringing lightness into dark. And since I have been in a bit of a dark place, when I chant this mantra I feel my body filling with light: love, bliss, contentment, healing. When you first start chanting it it may be hard to feel something, because you haven't yet memorized the words. But once it's second nature (which only takes a day or two), you can really feel it's power. I sing it, slowly  and loud and with love, and every.single.time I can't help but to cry, tears straight streaming down my face. And that is Bhakti...devotion...unconditional love. 

There are many versions, fast and slow, so find the one that resonates with you and enjoy. Chanting is the most beautiful gift that we can give to ourselves and the universe. Enjoy. 

Gayatri Mantra:

AUM BHOOR BHUWAH SWAHA,

TAT SAVITUR VARENYAM

BHARGO DEVASAYA DHEEMAHI

DHIYO YO NAHA PRACHODAYAT.

Cailin Callahan

www.cailincallahan.blogspot.com

"For my Mother and My Father,
For Mother Earth,
And for the Life Giving Sun,
To my Teachers,
And my Teachers' Teachers...
I am grateful."