Love = Need
Yesterday I had my first session with Xochitl, who is an amazing life coach. I've never seen a therapist or have sought advice and insight from anyone aside from close friends. And though I love my friends, and their advice is great, I feel that in order to make a big shift and make some positive change that I need to talk to a professional. Luckily, Xochitl is a professional and also my friend, so I feel very comfortable expressing myself around her (ie crying, being vulnerable, etc). The way that I now understand it is that a life coach is better than a therapist, more down to earth than a spiritual guru, and an unbiased best friend- who isn't telling you necessarily what you *want to hear but what you *need to hear in order to grow. She assigns homework such as rituals, journaling, and affirmations to help you in whatever direction you're headed. As she says, there's no wrong or right- there's only workability...does it work for you? Or does it not work for you? What has not been working for me in the past are my relationships (she's also very adamant about not saying "I have shitty choice in men", or "I am insecure", because words are very powerful vibrations that shape out world). So, in the past I have had a tendency to be insecure and to pick the men that aren't the best for me and my path. The issue that we were able to identify is my Self Worth, and that I associate LOVE with BEING NEEDED. Many of you reading this will laugh at the idea that I have "self love", but that is 100% my truth. The way that Xochitl described it is because I am loved by so many, and have been since the day that I was born, I never had to cultivate my own self love. So by picking people who 'need' me, I am left with the feeling of love and self worth- alas, it's not coming from myself, but from being needed by another. Are you following? It is so simple, but seems much more confusing than it actually is. So...what to do? The medicine is Self Love, the poison is using these relationships as an escape. Relationships are truly a Spiritual Path (ie Tantra)...it brings you closer to the Divine (which remember resides within YOU), and this path begins with Self Love. How can you ever fully love another if you don't love yourself.
Why is this all coming up now, you ask? Well, my Dads passing had a lot to do with it. Basically he loved me so so so much since my arrival that I used his love as a sort of crutch. And now that he's gone I'm realizing that a lot of my sadness is coming from my lack of self love. So, as per Xochitls guidance I had a little ceremony that involved a letter, a candle on the Ganges, and lots of crying. I made a declaration to transmute all of the love that my dad has ever given me (which still exists now) into Self Love. "I'm committed from this moment on to live on the path of the most divine self love".
This is just a glimpse...there's a lot more work to be done, and I am committed to putting in the effort to reach my highest Self. Under the guidance and love of Xochitl I know that each day will be an improvement.
If anyone is interested in her services, she is based in LA but also has many many clients with whom she meets via Skype. Her sessions are $150/90minutes, and discounts are given for multiple sessions. I promise you that every moment spent in her presence will be positive and insightful. We're not good or bad human beings, we're all doing the best we can with the tools we have...sometimes you just need someone to help guide you a bit along the way...