Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
5:45am : I just stuck this up my nose, threaded it through my mouth, and "flossed" the mucus out. Then I chugged a liter of water, jumped up and down like crazy, stuck my fingers down my throat and threw it back up. Yay for morning kriyas!!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered, Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the same well from which your laughter rises often times filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potters oven?
Jess ended it with Be Gentle. I've read it a dozen times now and it's more beautiful with each go.
At lunch today I ran around town, ate lunch at YoYos, bought some gifts and had a freaking deeeeliciou papaya and lime juice. Boom. Be Gentle and Enjoy Life.
Woke this morning and chanted to the setting moon and then picked an parcel card. I got the "zebra" which is about letting go of fear and knowing that I have support and am safe and protected. A good cry in yoga, a strong chai, and Im feeling good. Aum Gung Ganapataye Namaha.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
After the meditation and a bit of breath work, we did an osho meditation where we jumped up and down with our arms overhead, making a "huh" sound (the sound was just a result of the jump, super organic). After several minutes of doing this, we stopped, and I yelled. Not really a yell, a scream. A loud fucking scream. Two, actually. It was so necessary...to release all of the sadness that was built up in my chest. And then Scarlett stripped off her clothes and jumped into the ocean. And since she's the teacher, many of us followed. Some people went in clothes, some were naked, others like me were just in tank tops and undies. The water was as warm as a bath tub and as glassy as a lake, and the air was crisp and cool as the sun was rising up over the hill. On the walk back to the Shala, everyone had smiles on their faces. I truly felt born again when I got out of the water. So grateful for the journey. God Bless.
The way I have interpreted my (personal healing) journey here is 3 steps forward, and 2 steps back. So, in the end, at least I'm moving one step forward each time. I started crying at the heart chakra, and it continued into the throat chakra. We were chanting sounds for each energy center, but all I wanted to do was scream. I was actually doing a silent scream as I sobbed through the pain that had overcome my chest and throat. I almost felt like I couldn't breathe. It was actually quite horrible, and scary. I was grateful when we finally were able to lay down and absorb the sound, as it took us on a healing journey. My tears continued as the journey finished, and as everyone filtered out of the Shala, Jessica was healing me from the heart up, and Bogey had a hold of my feet...both of them, yet again, holding space for my sadness. When I finally came about it was just Jess and I in the Shala. She sat with me for a long time and held me, and coached me through the grief (she's truly a brilliant human being, wise beyond her years). I cried a lot more as I fully felt what I was feeling. The only way to heal is to go fully into the grief, which is something that I didn't want to do - because who wants to feel pain?! Who wants to be vulnerable?! But I realized that all that Jess was saying was true, and it'll only get better if I move into it with full awareness. As soon as I think I've had my last break down, or that I've hit my lowest low, there is a whole new depth to the pain and sadness than I knew was possible. As I said, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. Most days I have a smile on my face and feel amazing, but when we start to do the energy work and I really tune into my energetic and emotional body, I realize how broken I am...which is totally scary. Again, I'm grateful for this experience- to really heal, guided by amazing teachers and held (physically and spiritually) by my beautiful friends like Jessica. It's a process, it's a process, it's a process....Change Takes Time. As Laurie reminded me yesterday, "Cailin, Rome wasn't built in a day! Slow down! Kundalini Shakti isn't going to rise tomorrow, and the grief isn't going to disappear after a hundred rounds of Uddiyana Bandha." So, as Rory says, SHANTI SHANTI. I'm going "shanti shanti" (soft soft, slow slow, peace peace) on myself. It's a process, change takes time.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The other night we had a little ceremony before chanting, and we were all gifted with (tulsi) mala beads that had been blessed in Rishikesh. When you are chanting mantra with a mala it is called JAPA. Japa is turning your concentration to god. You're raising a low vibration to a higher vibration. Chanting mantra has the power to pull something in to you, or repel something away from you. There are mantras for protection ("Om Dum Durgayei Namaha"), to transform anger ("Shante Prashante Sarva Krodha Upasha Mani Swaha"), and to remove obstacles ("Aum Gung Ganapataye Namaha"). Also, mala beads come in all sorts of wood, seeds, and gems. There are certain types that correlate with certain deities and mantras, and really you should only ever chant one mantra on one mala. One Mantra = One Mala. Otherwise you confuse the energy of the beads. You want to infuse your beads with one prayer, one energy, one intention. A mala has 108 beads, so chanting one round would be saying the chant 108 times.
And as if that wasn't enough information for you, there is also a specific way to hold your mala beads. To begin, you use your Right hand. Keep the beads hanging between the ring finger and middle finger. Press your thumb against the ring finger to seal it in, turning your palm to face down. You use your middle finger to pull the mala in towards you, bead by bead, chant by chant. You never cross over the "mountain bead" (where the tassle is"), or use it to start or end. If you want to chant another round , remove the mala, turn it around, and begin again.
And so, let the Japa begin!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Today I played hookie. I was exhausted, in every which way one is capable of being exhausted: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. My body is beat up, my cheeks hurt from smiling and my eyes hurt from crying. My abdomen is a thousand-different-types of sore from extensive pranayama, applying the bandhas through my practice, and from my new obsession with the powerful and amazing Uddiyana Bandha. I have been GIVING myself to my practice, completely- as well as waking every morning at 4:30am for over an hour of my own personal sadhana before our classes begin. Bogey said it right when he claimed that this training is ripping us open...a full surgery. Your fears, your weaknesses, your ego, your truths...all staring you right in the face, and asking you to deal with it. It's spectaular, but it's also frightening...to realize that you are truly in charge of your destiny, and that life is as beautiful as you allow (or should I say "decide") it should be. Though I'm surrounded by great people, deep down I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and very alone. My life from this moment forth will never be the same. I am on a path, and that path is definitely one of self-inquiry and self-help, as I continue to become the best version of myself. Because "good" is not enough. I want great, I want divine, and that's what I'll have. I digress, that is just the tip of the iceberg as far as what's going on in my mind, my heart and my body. Truly grateful each day for my teacher Rory, and my friends Jess and Bogey- because without them I would surely be losing my mind right now. So, today I treated myself to an afternoon off- anatomy never really was my favorite subject anyways....
I had my personal practice this morning where I attempted to apply Uddiyana bandha, while pulsing my Mula bandha, whilst in headstand- attempting to subliminate stagnant energy in my lower chakras. Then I did 3 hours of practice in the Shala with Rory and Safah. After breakfast I scooted out and headed for my favorite local spot. Kadah and Rajeesh had my chai started before I even sat down, knowing my "usual". They complimented me on my beautiful Bindi, and then left me to myself...I think they could sense my sadness/excitement/frustration/bliss. I put on my headphones are for the first time since the training began I listened to music!!! And I read my novel!! I didn't think about yoga or read my manual, or study anatomy. I just *relaxed*, and it was glorious. After my chai's I headed down the beach and set up camp at the Blue Pyramid. I had a swim and a cry in the sea and then soaked up sunshine in Blue Pyramids lounge chairs, and enjoyed some of their healthy (expensive) organic food. I'm heading back the Shala now for our afternoon sessions, but I am feeling rejuvenated after a much needed afternoon off.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
What a magical morning on the sea.
We met at 6:45 when it was still dawn, and split up into two boats then set out to sea. I was in the same boat as Jessica and her son Maben. She's such a beautiful person, inside and out- and by nature, even before having a son, she was meant to be a mother. Hell, she's been nurturing and mothering me since the moment I arrived.
I hadn't realized it until I smelled the engine as the captain started it up- but it was the first time I've been on a boat since my dad passed....the last time id had a ride out on the back bay was early spring of 2012, with Dad and Billy Herr. This morning, the smell of the engine and the sea, the sun just starting to come through and the cool breeze of the morning all brought a tear to my eye. Once a bit off shore we saw some dolphins, saw the sun rise up over the hills, and I even jumped overboard and had a swim in the warm water. Another beautiful day on this wonderful journey...