Friday, January 25, 2013
Sounds That Heal.
The way I have interpreted my (personal healing) journey here is 3 steps forward, and 2 steps back. So, in the end, at least I'm moving one step forward each time. I started crying at the heart chakra, and it continued into the throat chakra. We were chanting sounds for each energy center, but all I wanted to do was scream. I was actually doing a silent scream as I sobbed through the pain that had overcome my chest and throat. I almost felt like I couldn't breathe. It was actually quite horrible, and scary. I was grateful when we finally were able to lay down and absorb the sound, as it took us on a healing journey. My tears continued as the journey finished, and as everyone filtered out of the Shala, Jessica was healing me from the heart up, and Bogey had a hold of my feet...both of them, yet again, holding space for my sadness. When I finally came about it was just Jess and I in the Shala. She sat with me for a long time and held me, and coached me through the grief (she's truly a brilliant human being, wise beyond her years). I cried a lot more as I fully felt what I was feeling. The only way to heal is to go fully into the grief, which is something that I didn't want to do - because who wants to feel pain?! Who wants to be vulnerable?! But I realized that all that Jess was saying was true, and it'll only get better if I move into it with full awareness. As soon as I think I've had my last break down, or that I've hit my lowest low, there is a whole new depth to the pain and sadness than I knew was possible. As I said, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. Most days I have a smile on my face and feel amazing, but when we start to do the energy work and I really tune into my energetic and emotional body, I realize how broken I am...which is totally scary. Again, I'm grateful for this experience- to really heal, guided by amazing teachers and held (physically and spiritually) by my beautiful friends like Jessica. It's a process, it's a process, it's a process....Change Takes Time. As Laurie reminded me yesterday, "Cailin, Rome wasn't built in a day! Slow down! Kundalini Shakti isn't going to rise tomorrow, and the grief isn't going to disappear after a hundred rounds of Uddiyana Bandha." So, as Rory says, SHANTI SHANTI. I'm going "shanti shanti" (soft soft, slow slow, peace peace) on myself. It's a process, change takes time.