not all who wander are lost.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

HAM on Thanksgiving...

This will be my first Thanksgiving without my Dad. I miss the shit outta him. I think of him all day, every day...when I'm happy, sad, busy, tired... -- always. And as sad as I am today, wishing that he was here, that sadness is trumped by overwhelming gratitude. You know that feeling, like when you're throat tightens and your heart feels like it's taking up your whole chest? It's truly overwhelming. I've cried a few times today, but the tears were because I just feel so grateful that the energy had to move somewhere, somehow. My life has been so bountiful, and every day I encounter and experience more beautiful moments than I can count. I have the most outstanding, fucking powerful and amazing friends and I'm not sure what I did to deserve them, but I thank the universe for them every day. Hugging them and loving them, telling them how much I appreciate them - it still doesn't seem to do justice to the love and respect that I hold in my heart for them. So THANK YOU to everyone that lifts me've had a heavy load to help me carry this year with the loss of my Dad, and I couldn't have done it without you all. 

I'm grateful for Brookie and Lorraine, for our adventures and our friendship. I'm grateful for nights at the Dead Dog with Johnny DiGenni, and taco nights with Bill and Megan. I'm grateful for YOGA: for my practice, for my ability to teach and share, to the ZEN DEN which has become a home for me and has created a beautiful family for me, and I am grateful for Ari Green for loving me and believing in me, even on days when I didn't love or believe in myself. I'm grateful for Adam Green and his goofy text messages and emojicons, and his constant stoke. I'm grateful for my friend Rob, and his love and enthusiasm for my kitchen creations. I'm grateful for Meg McD and her pure love. I'm grateful for fucking Twilight, cause I love that shit: the books, the soundtracks, the movies. It's an odd addiction, which can't quite be explained, but goddamn it's good. I'm grateful for my Colorado adventures with my beautiful Coloradians Kelsea, Ryan and Emily. I'm grateful for my spiritual family in Encinitas: Gray, Breezie, Jak, Ev, Rachael, Nicole, Liz, Lauren.... it doesn't matter how much time passes, or how many miles separate us, their constant love is felt always. I'm grateful for Living Well...for Donny who has fixed my knee, to Crit Chris Sam and Ryan who have pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped me to realize how fucking powerful I really am. I'm grateful for the crazy CrossFitters that I've become friends with, who I've sweat with and complained with as we challenge our bodies and our minds. Through Living Well I've met Penny and Lou, who always fill me up with laughter. I'm grateful for Toni...who has fed my Mom, Dad and myself all summer...who has kept our wine rack full...and who has spoiled my Mom when my Mom wouldn't do so herself. I'm grateful for Joe and Lori King who have taken care of us before Dad passed, and continue to do so today, we couldn't do it without them and I don't think that they'll ever know how we much love them. I'm grateful for my best friend Julisa, who may live across the country but she's never too far because she lives in my heart. I'm grateful for Gina, for her love of cupcakes and bunnies, for her epic crafting and epic friendship. I'm grateful for our weekly Family Dinners with Brad and Ro...we have shared so many meals around the dinner table, so many laughs, and a fair bit of tears. I'm grateful for my cousin Tierney and her bootylicious backside -- she always knows how to make me laugh, and shes one of the few who got to experience the back bay with my Dad and me. I'm grateful for Adena and Erika and dance partners, my friends, my support, my drinking buddies - they always know what I need and they take me in all of my forms. I'm so very grateful for Chris Paisley who I love fiercely - he has been my rock since day one: he is the person that I can always turn to, no matter what. Chris holds space for my sadness, my anger, my drunkenness, my happiness and my fears...and he does so without judgement and never asks for anything in return. I'm grateful for my Mom, who has shown me what it means to truly be a partner. She has shown me devotion, love, patience and perseverance through lifes darkest moments. She is the strongest woman that I have ever met, a true warrior. I have never seen anyone love another the way that my Dad loved her, it was a beautiful thing to witness every day. And finally, I'm grateful for my Dad. He was the most important person in my world. He was the inspiration for everything I've done...everywhere that I've traveled, everything I've accomplished, everything I've experienced in this lifetime has been fueled by him and in devotion to him. Making him proud has made me happier than any human being could be. It's been quite an adjustment losing my best friend, but I still am inspired by him and aspire to enjoy EACH.AND.EVERY.DAY to it's height and it's depth. Thank you Dad for lighting this fire within me for adventure and for sucking down each and every drop of nectar of this beautiful life. 
Thanksgiving 2011.
Mom and Dad, Thanksgiving 2011.
Dad's famous "plate" photo hahaha. Thanksgiving 2011.

So with all of that gratitude expressed, I have one more thing to be grateful for: Thanksgiving Eve. Sometimes you need to just go out to dance it out and drink it out with good friends, and last night was that night. I drank my body weight in dirty martinis and shook my booty on the dance floor all night with my great friends Erika, Pam, Paisley and Brandon. I woke up in their guest bed this morning with my boots still on and laced up, and with a wicked headache. Erika and I stopped at Starbucks our way to get my car, and despite brushing my teeth 10x I tried to refrain from was coming out of my pores and Erika and I both looked like we had been through the ringer. Coffees in hand, Erika turned to me and said sometimes you need to go "HAM". I responded with a "Huh?", and she said "HARD AS MOTHERFUCKERS". So cheers to going hard as motherfuckers on Thanksgiving Eve, cause it's just what I needed. Insanely hungover, cappuccino in hand, U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday " blaring through my speakers, I couldn't help but laugh as I drove home. HAM on Thanksgiving, overflowing with Gratitude....
Ham on thanksgiving.

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