I was really irritated this morning. If you put someone, who spends a lot of time alone, into a full-power, all-day-every-day group setting then a bit of frustration is bound to come up. I woke up and just wanted to be alone. And quiet. And did I mention "alone"? After class we were guided through a long pranayama session and meditation. I dropped into the meditation and was completely absorbed in the stillness and silence. I had no hands, no legs, no body...no breath. Just the glorious sound of the waves crashing on the shore below me and an occasional bird singing a sweet song. I was irritated when we were brought out of the meditation because I didn't want to leave the sacred space and rejoin the group. Upon the completion of our class, Danny told us that we were to find a partner over our lunch break, hop in the pool with them, and allow our partner to hold us for five minutes, walking us around the pool.
No.
I don't want to.
I'm not going to.
I listened to music, journaled, read, + nourished myself with a bit of food and herbal tea- but mostly I nourished myself with continued solitude. As I was sitting in silence with eyes closed, I pictured Lora asking us what we thought about the assignment..."what does it mean? Are you allowing yourself to be held? What did it bring up for you?". Damnit. I knew that I would have to explain why I skipped the exercise, and how that is a reflection of my life. Because, as they say, "How you do anything is how you do everything". (Yes, this includes how you float in the pool with a partner.) So, I left the safety of my solitude and went down to the damn pool. Zoe offered to take me for a dip (btw: THANK YOU Zoe!). I settled into her arms and fully surrendered. As soon as I saddled up she asked if I wanted to talk or be silent? Even though I was dying to stay with the quiet, I said, "Whatever you want!". And so, we talked the whole time....
I had a good laugh as I walked back to my room. Goddamn you Danny and Lora....you amazing, sneaky teachers!!
The 'revealing' process is tough to take, but if you're open to self-inquiry then it's a necessary and beautiful tool to grow into your full potential and fullest expression. What was revealed to me today is something that I'm not going to be able to change overnight- but "awareness is the medicine". ILLUMINATE to ELIMINATE. I don't want to be held by anyone. I won't ask to be held, I won't hint that I want to be held, and I will not let down my 'powerful and amazing' guard that will let you think that you should offer to hold me. I will only be held if it's forced on me, or (thanks Danny and Lora) it's assigned to me. Once I'm forced into receiving support I will surrender into it...but I surrender COMPLETELY, unable to vocalize what *I* need as I'm being held- my only worry accommodating the person that has the -burden- of carrying me. Also, a big fear of having to be held is then feeling like I am in debt to whoever held me, feeling as if I "owe" them. And then, there's the fear that what if they let me down? Or can't support me? What if I'm too fucking heavy? I'll drown! Id rather just swim on my own! I know that I can survive and keep myself afloat, no matter how rough the water gets or how tired my body becomes. I am allowing my past to dictate my present, so I'm trying to move away from this history and write a new story. All of this sparked from a five minute 'swim' in the pool....what a day.
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